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Official Jokes Thread
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Nov 27, 2004 09:26
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Q IN HELL
A guy dies and goes to hell.
There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they
lay you on a bed of nails
for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest
of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks
out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers
that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line
of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?" He is
told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay
you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil
comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the
same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get
in?
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,
someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil was a software
engineer, so he swipes the card, comes in, checks his mails and then goes
to the cafeteria..."
  Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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Andrey
Inactive User
Started Topics :
62
Posts :
1221
Posted : Nov 30, 2004 02:26
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Random things to do on an elevator
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When at your floor, strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
One word: Flatulence!
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter "Gotta go...Gotta go..." then sigh and say "Oops!"
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
Stare at a passenger and announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say "Mmmm... tasty!"
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"
Play the harmonica.
Shadow box.
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and inform the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!
Sea>Israel>Ben-Gurion>Tel-Aviv>Ramat-Goa>Marom Neve
is this pure reality could we be led?
25500 NIS for 1 hour DJ set
30500 NIS for 45-50 minutes of Live~ |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Nov 30, 2004 11:42
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very interesting andrey! some of them r real funny!lol
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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mr.eswirl
Started Topics :
4
Posts :
11
Posted : Nov 30, 2004 19:35
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Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear
http://www.o-zen.com/art/bands/84/music.php |
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Andrey
Inactive User
Started Topics :
62
Posts :
1221
Posted : Dec 1, 2004 08:35
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mr.eswirl, nice shot!!!
Quote:
| If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. |
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Sea>Israel>Ben-Gurion>Tel-Aviv>Ramat-Goa>Marom Neve
is this pure reality could we be led?
25500 NIS for 1 hour DJ set
30500 NIS for 45-50 minutes of Live~ |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Dec 2, 2004 09:51
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Some cute and funny stories about kids...
"BABY FAT?"
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes
honey,
remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she
replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"
"THE PERFECT PICTURE"
When you THINK you have a bad day, remember this one from a young
mother. "I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son came into
the
bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. "Although he made a
mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few
shots.
They came out so well that I had copies made and put them in
cards
and
mailed them out to relatives. A few days later one of my
relatives
called commenting on my picture, laughing hysterically and
suggesting
I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was
shocked
to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my
reflection
in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"
"MY FOOTSTEPS?"
An acquaintance of mine, who is a physician, told this story
about
her
then four year old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor
had
left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked
it up
and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend,
my
daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke
into
the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
"A WISE LITTLE GIRL"
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she
must
say,"I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday
School
and
said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I
thought
I was, but mother says I'm not."
"TOO ROUGH"
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with
the
boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys,
they're
too rough. The little girl thought about it for a few moments,
and
asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
"THUMB SUCKING"
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his
thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery, to
reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the
habit..
Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't
stop
sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a
balloon.
"Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a
pregnant
woman sitting on a bench. The four year old considered her
gravely
for
a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh...I know what you've
been
doing."
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Dec 2, 2004 10:36
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WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY???
Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot
that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be
pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably a present for me.
Forget "Happy Birthday", She didn't even say "Good Morning". I
thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember."
Children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. I started to
the office I was feeling pretty low.
As I walked into my office my secretary, Janet, said, "Good
morning, boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better;
someone had remembered. I worked until noon.
Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch,
just you and me." I said,! " That's the greatest thing I've
heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we
normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place.
We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said,
"Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she
said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. I start getting excited & i thought
today is my lucky day. She went into the bedroom and, in about
six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake,
followed by.......... my wife, children, and dozens of our
friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat... on the couch... naked....!!!!!! :'(
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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GuyShanti
Aerospace
Started Topics :
112
Posts :
877
Posted : Dec 5, 2004 00:21
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IndiAlien
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
28
Posts :
1224
Posted : Dec 5, 2004 19:30
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hahahahahahaah !!!!
Great one G 
q(@ _ @)p
there is a light that
flashes |
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IndiAlien
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
28
Posts :
1224
Posted : Dec 8, 2004 17:58
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*KNOCK KNOCK*
- who's there ?
"boo"
- boo who ?
"don't cry, just open the door."
q(@ _ @)p
there is a light that
flashes |
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Watter
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
12
Posts :
184
Posted : Dec 8, 2004 20:45
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A man wlaks into a bar
Ouch!!!!!
"open your mind....you might just see that there isn't anything to be seen" |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Dec 11, 2004 13:43
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interesting way to understand managment>
Lesson Number One:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
* * * * * * * * * *
Lesson Number Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with Nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the Tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
* * * * * * * * * *
Lesson Number Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lesson:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
* * * * * * * * * *
Lesson Number Four:
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss.
So all the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Management Lesson:
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
* * * * * * * * *
Lesson Number Five:
A man was in a hot-air balloon. Soon he found himself lost with nothing but green fields for as far as the eye could see. Eventually, he happened to float over a man who was walking his dog. He leaned over the basket and yelled out, "Hello! Where am I?" The man on the ground replied, "You're about 20 feet above the ground in a hot- air balloon." The balloonist cursed him and shouted back, "You must be a statistician." "Why do you say that?" asked the man on the ground. "Well," shouted the balloonist, "You're absolutely correct but your answer was completely useless." "Oh I see," replied the walker, "And you must be a manager." "Actually, you're right," said the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the walker, "First you were lost. Then, after working out what information you needed to sort yourself out, you asked someone else to get it for you. Now, that you have the information, you're still lost, but it's someone else's fault.
Well, Was it interesting?
Management Lesson :
Do I need to tell it again !!!!
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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Mighty Fat Records
Mighty Fat Records
Started Topics :
31
Posts :
181
Posted : Dec 12, 2004 21:10
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We are spending too much time online:
Little Johnny asks: "Daddy, how was I born?"
His Dad Says: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in
a chat room on AOL. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:
"You've Got Male!"
Mighty Fat Records
www.mightyfatrecords.com
www.myspace.com/mightyfatrecords
Manoloco - Mind Your Own Groove: OUT NOW |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Dec 13, 2004 12:56
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A sardarji goes for a job
interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Mr., can
you tell us your age, please?"
The sardarji counts carefully on his fingers for half a minute before replying.
"Um ... 22."
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?"
The sardarji stands up and produces a measuring tape from his handbag.
He then traps one end under his foot and extends the tape to the top of his head.
He checks the measurement and announces,
"Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something
the he won't have to count, measure, or lookup.
"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The sardarji bobs his head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing
something silently to himself, before replying, "Gurpreet"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks,
"What were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Oh, that!" replies the sardarji," I was just running through that song,
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...Happy Birthday dear
Gurpreet...happy birthday to you..."
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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PsyGoatDelic
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
45
Posts :
359
Posted : Dec 14, 2004 21:05
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