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Official Jokes Thread
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IndiAlien
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
28
Posts :
1224
Posted : Nov 11, 2004 11:35
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dash one cayshtee take....... now wurr are mai carj keeej ??? ........  +  = 
Vodka/Bed Rull..... yay !@! 
q(@ _ @)p
ps - happy Diwali one and all ........ shine on u crazy diamonds 
  there is a light that
flashes |
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Psygirl®
IsraTrance Team
Started Topics :
189
Posts :
1096
Posted : Nov 14, 2004 07:45
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A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
"Just where the heck do you think you're going!", said the man.
"I'm going to Las Vegas", said the wife, "I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!"
The man said, "Wait a minute!", and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
"Where the heck are you going?", said the wife.
The man said, "I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!"
Live for the journey, not the destination. |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Nov 15, 2004 10:35
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Psygirl®
IsraTrance Team
Started Topics :
189
Posts :
1096
Posted : Nov 15, 2004 14:00
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A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
Live for the journey, not the destination. |
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IndiAlien
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
28
Posts :
1224
Posted : Nov 15, 2004 15:06
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aaaaaaa hahahahahahaha !!!!
that cracked me up Psygirl..... too good !
q(@ _ @)p
there is a light that
flashes |
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IndiAlien
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
28
Posts :
1224
Posted : Nov 17, 2004 11:47
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A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest asked.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
"Thank you," said the lady.
The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams,
"Frank!............ Put the Bibles away--our prayers have been answered!"
q(@ _ @)p
there is a light that
flashes |
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GuyShanti
Aerospace
Started Topics :
112
Posts :
877
Posted : Nov 17, 2004 14:40
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psyreviews
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
71
Posts :
204
Posted : Nov 18, 2004 13:21
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whats orange and sounds like a parrot?
a carrot |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Nov 18, 2004 15:12
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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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IndiAlien
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
28
Posts :
1224
Posted : Nov 18, 2004 16:33
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ehehhehe
goodwalla
q(@ _ @)p
there is a light that
flashes |
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IndiAlien
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
28
Posts :
1224
Posted : Nov 18, 2004 18:36
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Husband, just before he was to die, said to his wife;
"When I die I want you to take all my money into the afterlife with me."
So he got his wife to promise him that with all her heart that when he died, she would put all his money in the casket with him........
Well........ he died.
He was stretched out in the casket.....his wife was sitting there in black and her friend was sitting next to her.
When the ceremony ended and just before the undertakers were to shut the casket she said
"Wait a minute !"
She had a box with her....she walked over and put the box in the casket and the undertaker closed and locked the casket and they rolled the casket away.
The wife's girlfriend leaned over and whispered to the wife-
"Girl I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with our husband"
the wife answered....
"I'm a Christian and I can't go back on my word. I promised him I would put all the money in with him"
The girlfriend looks at the wife and says.....
'you mean you really did put all the money inside the casket with him?!"
The wife said-
"I sure did....I wrote a check......and if he can cash it.... he can spend it!!"
q(@ _ @)p
there is a light that
flashes |
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Dragongurl
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
19
Posts :
623
Posted : Nov 19, 2004 07:48
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Nice one Juice!!!! Hahahahahaha!!!!
:: Life can be as bitter as dragon tears
But whether dragon tears are bitter or sweet
depends entirely on how each man perceives the taste :: |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Nov 20, 2004 12:21
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Sardars Are Not Stupid Convention
> >
> >80,000 sardars meet in the gurunanak stadium, for a
> >"Sardars Are Not stupid" Convention.
> >
> >The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to
> >the world that Sardars are not stupid.
> >
> >Can I have a volunteer?"
> >
> >A sardar gingerly works his way through the crowd and
> >steps up to the stage.
> >The leader asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?"
> >
> >After 15 or 20 seconds he says, "Eighteen!" Obviously
> >everyone is a little disappointed.
> >
> >Then 80,000 sardars start cheering,
> >"Give him another chance!
> >Give him another chance!"
> >
> >The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble
> >of getting 80,000 Of you in one place and we have the
> >worldwide press and global broadcast media here, uh, I
> >guess we can give him another chance.
> >
> >" So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
> >
> >After nearly 30 seconds he eventually Says, "Ninety?"
> >
> >The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just
> >lets out a dejected Sigh -
> >everyone is disheartened, the sardar starts crying and
> >the 80,000 sardars begin to yell and wave their hands
> >shouting,
> >
> >"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!
> >GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
> >
> >The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more ha
> >than damage,eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more
> >chance.
> >
> >What is 2 plus 2?
> >The surd closes his eyes, and after a whole minute
> >eventually says, "Four?".
> >
> >Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out
> >as all 80,000 surdies jump To their feet, wave their
> >arms, stomp their feet and scream...
> >..............................................
> >......................................
> >................................
> >..........................
> >....................
> >................
> >..............
> >............
> >..........
> >........
> >....
> >..
> >"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!
> >"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!
> >
> >
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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Justin Chaos
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
117
Posts :
3086
Posted : Nov 23, 2004 23:41
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Quote:
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On 2004-11-20 12:21, juice wrote:
Sardars Are Not Stupid Convention
> >
> >80,000 sardars meet in the gurunanak stadium, for a
> >"Sardars Are Not stupid" Convention.
> >
> >The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to
> >the world that Sardars are not stupid.
> >
> >Can I have a volunteer?"
> >
> >A sardar gingerly works his way through the crowd and
> >steps up to the stage.
> >The leader asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?"
> >
> >After 15 or 20 seconds he says, "Eighteen!" Obviously
> >everyone is a little disappointed.
> >
> >Then 80,000 sardars start cheering,
> >"Give him another chance!
> >Give him another chance!"
> >
> >The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble
> >of getting 80,000 Of you in one place and we have the
> >worldwide press and global broadcast media here, uh, I
> >guess we can give him another chance.
> >
> >" So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
> >
> >After nearly 30 seconds he eventually Says, "Ninety?"
> >
> >The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just
> >lets out a dejected Sigh -
> >everyone is disheartened, the sardar starts crying and
> >the 80,000 sardars begin to yell and wave their hands
> >shouting,
> >
> >"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!
> >GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
> >
> >The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more ha
> >than damage,eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more
> >chance.
> >
> >What is 2 plus 2?
> >The surd closes his eyes, and after a whole minute
> >eventually says, "Four?".
> >
> >Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out
> >as all 80,000 surdies jump To their feet, wave their
> >arms, stomp their feet and scream...
> >..............................................
> >......................................
> >................................
> >..........................
> >....................
> >................
> >..............
> >............
> >..........
> >........
> >....
> >..
> >"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!
> >"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!
> >
> >
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BWHAHAHAHAHAHahaha@@@@  !!!!!!!""#$%&/(===?)(/&)/&$$#""
My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them. |
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IndiAlien
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
28
Posts :
1224
Posted : Nov 26, 2004 17:42
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this is kinda old, but.......... i like monkey jokes:
President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on
the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: If my best friend, who lives on a farm,
is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would
be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a
great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand... In a quiet
voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a
friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be tragedy?"
"Well", says the boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't
be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either".
q(@ _ @)p
there is a light that
flashes |
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