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Official Jokes Thread
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sure_smoke_alot
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
45
Posts :
6874
Posted : Jul 22, 2006 08:58
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^^^^ 
  the problem with valuing art is, till u dont understand it, it's worthless but wen u do understand it, it's priceless!! |
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djsid
Aghori Tantrik
Started Topics :
85
Posts :
651
Posted : Jul 31, 2006 20:13
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A Sardar and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from
Los Angelesto New York. The American asks if he would like to play a fun-game.
The Sardar, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa."
Again, the Sardar declines and tries to get some sleep.
The American, now worked up, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."
This gets the sardar's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
The American asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The Sardar doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the American.
"Okay," says the American, "Your turn."
So the Sardar asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs
and comes down with four legs?"
The American thinks about it. No answer.
Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer!
He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches
the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers.
Checks the input. All to no avail!
Finally, a long time later, he wakes the Sardar and hands him $500.
The Sardar thanks him and turns back to get his sleep.
The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardar and asks,
"Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Sardar reaches into his purse, hands
the American $5,
and goes back to sleep!
aGh0Ri TanTriK
Sonic Tantra Records
http://www.sonictantra.com
http://agh0ritantrik.weebly.com
http://www.soundclick.com/aghoritantrik |
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bianca djús
Started Topics :
2
Posts :
149
Posted : Aug 11, 2006 05:59
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A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!! |
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exotic
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
200
Posts :
5057
Posted : Aug 12, 2006 11:57
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A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.
"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:
"Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.
"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.
The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."
missing plug-in |
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jabba
Started Topics :
9
Posts :
662
Posted : Aug 12, 2006 12:03
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this is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
To focus sometimes you need to spin hard on your soul's axis..... just don't ask how and what it means ;) |
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Forest dreams
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
107
Posts :
9697
Posted : Aug 28, 2006 13:54
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Monks
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down.
Do you think I could stay the night?"
The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not
like anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to
his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out
what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say,
"We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes
back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk." The man
says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful
sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk." The
Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of
grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find
these answers, you will have become a Monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks
on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a
gathering of all the Monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the
earth and have found what you asked for:
By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows
what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is
honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now
show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The
sound is beyond that door."
The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to
find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and
diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become
very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the
last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that
door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly
pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to
discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
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But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk. 
Nothing is said that has not been said before. |
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full_on
IsraTrance Team
Started Topics :
279
Posts :
5475
Posted : Aug 29, 2006 03:03
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Damn it, Forest dreams, who said I'm not a monk?
Respect!
.
...Be gentle with the earth...
...Dance like nobody's watching...
.
...I don't mind not going to Heaven, as long as they've got Coffee in Hell... |
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Forest dreams
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
107
Posts :
9697
Posted : Aug 29, 2006 23:02
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Quote:
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On 2006-08-29 03:03, full_on wrote:
Damn it, Forest dreams, who said I'm not a monk?
Respect!
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ohh kay, so you're the guy from the joke, arent you 
Nothing is said that has not been said before. |
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SkyBluGoa
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
20
Posts :
388
Posted : Sep 12, 2006 23:18
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In a murder trial...
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
I don't know, but I've been told, if you keep on dancing you won't grow old. |
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sure_smoke_alot
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
45
Posts :
6874
Posted : Sep 13, 2006 12:49
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^^^^
the problem with valuing art is, till u dont understand it, it's worthless but wen u do understand it, it's priceless!! |
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SkyBluGoa
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
20
Posts :
388
Posted : Sep 14, 2006 17:19
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People Really Said These Things In Court
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
I don't know, but I've been told, if you keep on dancing you won't grow old. |
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Forest dreams
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
107
Posts :
9697
Posted : Sep 14, 2006 20:08
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Quote:
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On 2006-09-14 17:19, SkyBluGoa wrote:
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
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Nothing is said that has not been said before. |
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s.a.dave
Started Topics :
1
Posts :
30
Posted : Sep 15, 2006 09:16
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it took me awhole day to read all of this...
i haven't laughed so much in long time...
thank youall...
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SkyBluGoa
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
20
Posts :
388
Posted : Sep 18, 2006 03:58
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What did the blonde say to the rock n' roller?
''How awesome is Britney Spears?!!!''
What's the difference between a fat woman and a virgin?
A fat woman's trying to diet, and the virgin's dying to try it!
What's 6 inches long , 2 inches wide, and thrills women?
Money
Politically Speaking
"My uncle ran for Senate last year."
"Really? What does he do now?"
"Nothing. He got elected."
Knock knock
* Who's there?
Nobel.
* Nobel who?
No bell so I knocked
What does a fish smoke?
Sea weed
How do you know if the head chef is a clown?
When the food tastes funny.
If a blonde and a brunette jump off a building with the same velocity, each travelling at a parallel speed relative to one another, who lands first?
The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions.
If an electric train is heading north, which way would the steam be coming out?
It isn't. It's an electric train. (I didn't get this joke, maybe because I'm blonde)
What is a man's idea of housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
College Entrance Exam: For Football Players
You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Swedish (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)
8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (C) NORTHERNERS
9. Spell -- CAT, DOG, PIG
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5.
Your mama's so ugly, she laid down to take a beauty nap and slipped into a coma
Yo mama is so ugly when she wakes up to salute the day the sun runs to hide.
Q: What's worse than a redhead and a brunette trying to build a house underwater?
A: A blonde trying to set fire to it.
A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car.
"Did you see their face?" her friends asked when she came back inside.
"No, but it's okay -- I got the license plate number!"
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted
A blonde get's in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing. She calls the police and reports a theft. When the police officer comes, he looks at the blonde who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Pot Poem
When I die, bury me deep.
Plant some reefer, at my feet.
Place some papers, in my hand.
I'll roll my way, to the promised land!
ood night for now
I don't know, but I've been told, if you keep on dancing you won't grow old. |
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SkyBluGoa
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
20
Posts :
388
Posted : Sep 20, 2006 17:45
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Two dumb blondes were driving through the middle of Kansas where there was nothing around for miles but wheatfields. One blonde says, “Look over there!” There was another blonde wearing scuba gear and acting like she was swimming through the wheat.
The other blonde says, “Look over there!” where there was still another blonde in a boat. The blonde driving said, “It's people like that that give us blondes a bad name.” The other blonde said, “Yeah! And if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and beat the crap out of them!”
I don't know, but I've been told, if you keep on dancing you won't grow old. |
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