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Official Jokes Thread
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jabba
Started Topics :
9
Posts :
662
Posted : May 26, 2006 08:29
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Q. How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
A. Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.
  To focus sometimes you need to spin hard on your soul's axis..... just don't ask how and what it means ;) |
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sure_smoke_alot
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
45
Posts :
6874
Posted : May 27, 2006 08:16
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Tests revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a
serious look at their beer consumption. Their theory is that beer contains
female hormones and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.To
test the theory, 100 men were given 8 pints of beer each to consume Within a
one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects...
1) Gained weight,
2) Talked excessively without making sense,
3) Became overly emotional,
4) Couldn't drive,
5) Failed to think rationally,
6) Argued over nothing,
7) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
No further testing was considered necessary!!!!!
the problem with valuing art is, till u dont understand it, it's worthless but wen u do understand it, it's priceless!! |
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sure_smoke_alot
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
45
Posts :
6874
Posted : May 31, 2006 08:13
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A guy and a girl met at a restaurant. They're getting along so well that**
they decide to go to the girl's place.*
*A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands.
He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"
The guy all surprised says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"
The girl replies: "Easy, you keep washing your hands".
One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, *
*the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"
The guy was very very surprised, he says: "Yes, I sure am a great dentist.
How did you figure that out?"
The girl says: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing." *
the problem with valuing art is, till u dont understand it, it's worthless but wen u do understand it, it's priceless!! |
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Pavel
Moderator
Started Topics :
312
Posts :
8646
Posted : Jun 1, 2006 23:37
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A little kid approached his dad and asked to play with his welding mask.
"Sure" the dad said, "Take it, and have fun".
The kid took the mask and went out to play.
Soon a car stopped and some old wrinkled fella was looking out from the car. "Hey kid" he said "Wanna eat a candy?
"Sure" the kid replied and got into the car.
As the car moved away from the kid's house the old guy turned to the kid and asked him:
"Hey kid, do you know what oral sex is?"
"No" the kid replied
"Hey kid, do you know what anal sex is?"
"No" the kid replied once again
"Hey kid, do you know what is sodomy?"
"Listen man" the kid said, "I don't know what you think, but i'm not really a welder"
Everyone in the world is doing something without me |
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exotic
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
200
Posts :
5057
Posted : Jun 12, 2006 06:46
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There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following group of people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman
One month later on this absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following has occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois".
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
The Irish began by dividing up their island, Northside and Southside, and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but at least the English are not getting any.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the American woman keeps on talking about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.
...AND...
The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman.
missing plug-in |
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SkyBluGoa
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
20
Posts :
388
Posted : Jun 16, 2006 04:53
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Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her
and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet
voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send
you to the electric chair."
I don't know, but I've been told, if you keep on dancing you won't grow old. |
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Wandering High
Started Topics :
0
Posts :
177
Posted : Jun 28, 2006 21:05
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ok...only people who watch cricket will understand this joke...
q) wats the difference between 'men's cricket' and 'women's cricket' ?
- in men's cricket, between two 'long legs' theres a 'short leg'
& in women's cricket, between two 'fine legs' theres a 'deep gully'
a dream which is not understood, is like a letter which is not opened |
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Vicky
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
50
Posts :
709
Posted : Jun 29, 2006 15:52
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oh wow.. superb!! rib tickling, bone cracking thread 
heres one from the latest happenings (only a joke.. pls dont mind it...)
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It is just before the England v Brazil match.
Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered."
Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself-you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.
after a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads
"Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!
A few pints later and the game is forgotten until
someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)."
They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate
Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"
"No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes."
------------------------------------
Beyond Logic!
Euphoric Meditation n' Beyond...
vicky@beyondlogic.net
http://www.beyondlogic.net/
------------------------------------ |
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wandering soundwave
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
23
Posts :
501
Posted : Jun 29, 2006 21:05
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in a graden - grandfather is trying to put earthworm in a small hole on the ground. keep trying for long, his grandson comes and ask him "what are you trying to do ??" grandfather replies "trying to put this earthworm in the hole but its not going, been trying this from long " the kid says "its damn easy" surprised grandfather asks his to do it and if he does that he will give him 5$ as reward..
the kid goes running to his room gets a hair spray and spray it on the earthworm and puts it inside the hole.. happy grandfather gives him 5$ and goes to his room... after some time he comes back and gives the kid more 5$... the kid says "you gave me my reward before" happy grandfather says " this is from your grandmother....
peace
love n' light
( (( ( ((( ( (( boOm )) ) ))) ) )) ) |
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Forest dreams
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
107
Posts :
9697
Posted : Jun 30, 2006 08:45
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Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their
carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about
that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't
paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a
coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each
other. What does your wife look like? The young
guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair,
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing
tight white shorts.
What does your wife look like?" The old guy says,
"Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Nothing is said that has not been said before. |
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Pavel
Moderator
Started Topics :
312
Posts :
8646
Posted : Jun 30, 2006 15:20
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If Ricky Lake would get married with Ricky Martin, what would be her name?
Ricky Martin.
Everyone in the world is doing something without me |
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Justin Chaos
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
117
Posts :
3086
Posted : Jul 2, 2006 19:16
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Quote:
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On 2006-06-12 06:46, exotic wrote:
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following group of people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman
One month later on this absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following has occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois".
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
The Irish began by dividing up their island, Northside and Southside, and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but at least the English are not getting any.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the American woman keeps on talking about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.
...AND...
The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman.
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My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them. |
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exotic
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
200
Posts :
5057
Posted : Jul 16, 2006 08:03
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i looked up the word politics in the dictionary .. it comprises of two words 'poli' meaning many and 'tics' meaning bloodsuckers .
missing plug-in |
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jabba
Started Topics :
9
Posts :
662
Posted : Jul 20, 2006 10:13
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holy harley!!
Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”
Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, “I want to hang out with God.”
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?”
Arthur said, “Yep, that’s me.”
God said, “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?”
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, “Excuse me, but aren’t You the inventor of woman?”
God said, “Yes.”
“Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!”
“Hmmmmm, you have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
“Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.”
To focus sometimes you need to spin hard on your soul's axis..... just don't ask how and what it means ;) |
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bianca djús
Started Topics :
2
Posts :
149
Posted : Jul 22, 2006 07:47
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Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:......
*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better*. 
*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." 
*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. 
*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan!, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! 
*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too! 
*While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and t o have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers. 
*I was working in an aquarium, when some new guy who was recently hired was given the task of feeding the fish. He started throwing in friggin peanuts! I walked up to him, looking angry, and said to him, "Goddamn it! They cant;t digest that! All they can do is lick your nuts!". Needless to say, I quit.  |
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