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Official Jokes Thread
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IndiAlien
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
28
Posts :
1224
Posted : Oct 26, 2004 18:29
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A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enrol their son in a private Catholic school.
The very first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern of behaviour continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.
The boy shook his head and said "No."
"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
The boy said "No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"No", said the son.
"On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"
teehee 
q(@ _ @)p
  there is a light that
flashes |
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Pavel
Moderator
Started Topics :
313
Posts :
8648
Posted : Oct 26, 2004 22:17
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LOL, great one!!!!!
Pinned up and renamed to official Jokes thread.
More needed!
Everyone in the world is doing something without me |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Oct 27, 2004 12:44
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This is the FUNNY essay on "The Cow" which was (supposedly) written by
some
student in the course of completing the "Indian Civil Services
Examination"
:
CALCUTTA's Telegraph has got hold of an answer paper of a candidate at
the recent UPSC examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian
cow:
The Cow:
"The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is female, he give milk,but will do so when he is got child. He is same likeGod,sacred to Hindus and useful to man.But he has got four legs
together.Two are forward and two are afterwards.
"His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it
do? Various ghee, butter,cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so
forth.Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.
"His motion is slow only because he is of asitudinious species.Also his
other motion is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat
cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his
feeding after eating.Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are
situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows
in the grass.
"His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is
got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to
be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with
great velocity forwards.
"He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side.This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.
The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch.So the grasses head is not
crushed.At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts
his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.
"This is the cow."
P.S.: We are informed that the candidate passed the exam
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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IndiAlien
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
28
Posts :
1224
Posted : Oct 27, 2004 14:02
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on marriage:
A married man was asked to perform his SWOT (Strength, Weakness, Opportunity, Threat) Analysis.
He said, his strength is his wife.
His weakness is neighbour's wife.
Opportunity comes when neighbour goes out.
Threat comes when he himself goes out
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be
happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
--Scottish Proverb
Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for
another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken
"A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle."
- U2
Marriage is a three ring circus:
--engagement ring > ---wedding ring > ---suffering
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
thing: either the car is new or the wife.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front
door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
"Marriage is a romantic story, in which hero dies in the first chapter"
any married  care to comment? 
q(@ _ @)p
there is a light that
flashes |
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IndiAlien
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
28
Posts :
1224
Posted : Oct 27, 2004 14:28
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The Best and Happy way to Good Health
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.Bottoms up!
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoabeans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember,
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Beer in one hand - a samosa in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"
-------------------------------------------------
Sent to me by very lazy, very round co-worker 
q(@ _ @)p
there is a light that
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psyreviews
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
71
Posts :
204
Posted : Oct 27, 2004 15:42
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how many psytrance DJs does it take to change a lightbulb?
one to change it, four more to stand around shaking their heads saying how the old one was better
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Pt.
IsraTrance Senior Member
Started Topics :
236
Posts :
6106
Posted : Oct 27, 2004 15:47
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Quote:
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On 2004-10-27 15:42, psyreviews wrote:
how many psytrance DJs does it take to change a lightbulb?
one to change it, four more to stand around shaking their heads saying how the old one was better
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heheheheheheheheheehhehehehehehe.. 
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IndiAlien
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
28
Posts :
1224
Posted : Oct 27, 2004 15:49
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heehoohaa
What are the three fastest ways of communication?
- Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman
The positive thinking poem:
Little birdy in the sky,
You look up and it shits in your eye.
You don't mind and you don't cry,
You just thank God that cows don't fly.
now back to work...... rrrrrrrrrr
q(@ _ @)p
there is a light that
flashes |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Oct 27, 2004 16:04
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a little confusion
Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around
his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going
to
have a baby!
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we
can't tell anybody." The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call
from
AEC(Ahmedabad Electric Company) [because the electricity bill has not
been
paid.]
"Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma?"
"Yes...... speaking"
AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy .
"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????"
"Yes ............. We have a system of finding out who's overdue"
"GOD!!!!!!......... this is too much.........."
"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform
you are overdue"
"I ! know that ....... let me talk to my husband about this
tonight..... he
will speak to your company tomorrow " That night, she tells her
husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the
next
day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's
nothing
serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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IndiAlien
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
28
Posts :
1224
Posted : Oct 27, 2004 18:10
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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
peace<3
q(@ _ @)p
there is a light that
flashes |
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Pt.
IsraTrance Senior Member
Started Topics :
236
Posts :
6106
Posted : Oct 28, 2004 14:27
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Anyone know this one? hehe ...
Two tomatos went for a walk in the city.
They came to a road which they had to cross. As they walked over the street, one of the two tomatos got hit by a car
*POW* *SPLAT* *silence*
So the tomato who had not been hit by the car said: Hey.. Come on ketchup.
hehehehhehehehehehhe hehehehhehehehehehhe hehehehhehehehehehhe hehehehhehehehehehhe
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IndiAlien
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
28
Posts :
1224
Posted : Oct 29, 2004 10:28
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Monica Lewinsky on who she will vote for in the coming American elections:
"I will vote Republican this year.....
The Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth."
aaaaaaahahahahahahahah
q(@ _ @)p
there is a light that
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Colin OOOD
OOOD/Voice of Cod
Started Topics :
95
Posts :
5380
Posted : Oct 30, 2004 02:54
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blueOrb
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
100
Posts :
1698
Posted : Oct 30, 2004 07:34
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> >The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from
elementary, junior high, high school, and college students of USA.
> >
> > As one teacher noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young
scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!"
> >
> > > > 1. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure
gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
> >
> > > 2. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
> >
> > > > 3. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes
them perspire."
> >
> > > 4. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas."
> >
> > > 5. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
> >
> > > 6. "To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow."
> >
> > > 7. "The parts of speech are lungs and air."
> >
> > > > 8. "The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes."
> >
> > > > 9. "A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the
population."
> >
> > > > 10. "Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris."
> >
> > > > 11. "The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the
top and you sit on the bottom."
> >
> > > > 12. "The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at
the top and plural at the bottom."
> >
> > > > 13. "Iron was discovered because someone smelt it."
> >
> > > > 14. "Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners."
> >
> > > 15. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
> > calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for
this.
> >
> > > > 16. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire's
in the East and the sun sets in the West.
> >
> > > > 17. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in
the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
> >
> > > > 18. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice
for the same offence.
> >
> > > > 19. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
> >
> > > > 20. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that
name.
> >
> > > > 21. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German , half Italian and half English. He was very large.
> >
> > > > 22. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
> >
> > > > 23. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring
up.
> >
> > > > 24. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63
years.
RESURGAM!!!
{i shall rise again......'n maybe cross 5 ft!!!!}
New mixes on
http://soundcloud.com/blueorb
Older Mixes on
http://blueorb.podomatic.com/ |
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Pavel
Moderator
Started Topics :
313
Posts :
8648
Posted : Oct 30, 2004 12:03
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blue orb --> you killed me with the last one.
"The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at
the top and plural at the bottom."
So true...
Everyone in the world is doing something without me |
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