*eLliSDee*
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Posted : Feb 16, 2011 08:38:44
I've been diagnosed with a rare brain cancer usually only found in children.
I had 2 major operations and a big piece of my cerebrum was removed. I'm supposed to be heavily off balance and dis-coordinated and have bad 'fine motor skills' but i do not feel any of those symptoms. I signed myself out of hospital 24 hours post-op against medical advice to go home because i felt the hospital was making me feel mentally and psychically more ill (its just depressing how some of the nero-patients struggle to recover) I'm very lucky to be in the good shape that i am.
I have 7 week chemo and radiation coming to try increase maximum survival time. 50% of cases survive longer that 5 years.
The reality of a near future death has became a constant thought.
I've become somewhat desensitized to the idea of dying because the exhaustion of being scared has pushed me past the boundary of caring i think.
I going to give this one good fight and hopefully recover to my old cheerful self.
If this re-occurs im on street heroine. but a fighter still remains in me.
Many people go through life like zombies in denail of their inevitable death. and so they cling to life and bite on and never really appreciate what really matters. LOVE.
In a way my fear has now turned into a type of euphoria. I enjoy every little enjoyment life offers.
I try as hard as possible to make my life as uncomplicated as possible.. all of a sudden everything comes easy because i choose it that way.
i think we complicate our lives unnecessarily sometime.
oh, I'm getting that medicinal marijuana license.
mk47
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Posted : Feb 16, 2011 09:16
umm , wow .. not quite sure what to say , or to say anything at all .. but my heart goes out to you man , just stay strong and i hope you beat this real soon , my best wishes .
.. about accepting death , its the one truth of life isnt it , im not in a challenging medical situation myself .. but life is short , who knows , maybe i go in the evening , maybe couple years , maybe next hour .. life is a temporary for existence for everyone .. and i share your philosophy , keep smiling
*eLliSDee*
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Posted : Feb 16, 2011 09:35
Quote:
On 2011-02-16 09:16, mk47 wrote:
umm , wow .. not quite sure what to say , or to say anything at all ..
yeah i know. I did not want to create a awkward thread.
I thought it might inspire people to wake up and live a little
V3NOM
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Posted : Feb 18, 2011 04:37
All the best n' hope you're ok with the treatments you go through.
I guess I come from a perspective where I my wife lost her mother at her birth due to medical negligence, and her father died suddenly in a drowning incident in Thailand in 2007. Death can come suddenly and in this form it is much harder to accept because we had no chance to say goodbye. Almost 4 years on and my wife still cries whenever talking about or looking at photo's of her father. In moments of grief years on she still listens to old messages he left on her answering machine and I hold her while she pours out grief.
I thin if you have time to accept death, to let your loved ones know and to sort your affairs out in this world you are in a way going out in a somewhat more accepting and pleasant way for all involved.
It is hard to say as both types are equally distressing I'm sure, and I just wish you the best and hope that a miracle happens and you do not leave this world early!
I hate you, you hate me, we are all so hap hap happy!
*eLliSDee*
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Posted : Feb 18, 2011 09:55
V3nom,
Poeple like you and mk47 understand all too well the moral of th the story. We can go anytime. Life is short. Its a common story but its all very real.
I want to get through to the people that choose to deny this fact. They life like half-brain zombies always distastful of life. While half my brain was cut away and i actually used it.
I think everyone would be beter to each other if they consider their morality more often..
Like what have i been doing with my life except creating useless worries and being unsatisfied?
Now i might have 5 years and i none of that matters.
I see people being miserable all the time, like they gonna live forever and i want to remind them. There is beauty in dying. Perhaps its only reason why there is beauty at all
moki
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Posted : Feb 19, 2011 02:16
*eLliSDee*,
i admire you so deeply and i honestly feel the deepest respect towards your grace and dignity and strength of mind.
i was speechless for a few days after i saw your post and actually wanted to tell you many times that i want to hug you warmly and just hold you for a second in this hug, if you would allow a stranger to do so, and just tell you that i wish you exactly as much strength of mind all the time in the next months. so that you can rethink miracles and ways to make miracles happen. you should not give up even only because there are many people who succeeded in their holistic battle with such deseases. keep the faith.
but i admire your thoughts about the meaning of life and this found lots of resonance in my heart. you sound very wise....
it is not important how long we live, but how we live here and now. i thought about it a lot in the last year, because i took care for someone who died in my hands on cancer ( but he was much older and much more sicker than you) and i was deeply frightened to accept death, and to accept that he is dying literally in my hands. it was a big shock and i dont know, since then i feel very mortal too...
but at the end we are all very mortal, we are here for a tiny part of the second in the universal cosmic theater. and we will all die, some faster, some not so fast, but all will. no matter if in 30, 20, 10 or 5 years. because it is only important how clear our soul follows its way here and now.
wish you clarity of mind and calmness and a good plan to fullfill every dream you have in the next years.
love and hugs brother,
tina
*eLliSDee*
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Posted : Feb 19, 2011 03:26
Tina,
For a long time, before the hospital found the cancer 2 weeks ago, I was convinced that humans do not deserve to live. We fuck up everything without a care. People do horrible things to one another.
I had some trouble during my first surgery and a special team from ICU was send to help my breathing to survive the night.
And i was surrounded by 3 of the most compassionate and caring humans i have ever had the privilege to meet. So much love and compassion and care that my heart bursted and i regained some trust in our human nature. and you Tina. i think this about you 2. Its wonderful to know such humans are living amongst me.
Im sorry for your loss.
I feel really sorry for my parents and wife if it comes down to me leaving this earth. But i think they feel more sad to be left behind. <- this is how i see it different than many others people want to believe.
i know its not fair for parents to see their child die before they do, i think. but their wanting me to live so bad might cause me to suffer.
So ill fight the good fight and i never give up. and hopefully return to my cheerful self if all goes well.
I aslo want my dignity. So if im too pathetic and i'm unable to wipe my own ass clean then i would rather that people let me go with pride and without suffering.
You will find peace with your life only if you can make peace with your death.
of course its a little scary but there is no shame in being little afraid..
loves back to you sister
Outolintu
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Posted : Feb 19, 2011 12:43
thanks for sharing your experience. it's a brave and beautiful thing to do. i wish you the best and i hope you can uphold the state of mind you have right now no matter what will come!
it's agonazingly ironical that people usually "wake up" to life only after having a near death experience. sometimes i wish that a near death experience would be something everybody would have to go through as a transiotional rite around the time one matures. i think it would dramatically change the way we perceive the world around us as the human race.
i've been thinking a lot about death too for many years. my grand parents and my father are dead and my mother had 2 cancers and is now hopefully recovering. i've also felt like you about humans and tended to romantisize death as an escape plan when ever life felt too unbearable. but as i've gotten older and death has become "more" real and inevitable i've realized that my escape plan is somewhat faulty and i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. oh, the joys of life!
so, my only noteworthy goal in life at the moment and already for some time has been to try to accept death so i can start living to my full potential and eventually die thinking "today is a good day to die".
"no one ever sweats on a plug-in" -moby
*eLliSDee*
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Posted : Feb 19, 2011 17:37
Quote:
it's agonazingly ironical that people usually "wake up" to life only after having a near death experience. sometimes i wish that a near death experience would be something everybody would have to go through as a transiotional rite around the time one matures. i think it would dramatically change the way we perceive the world around us as the human race.
IT WOULD DEFINITELY HELP PEOPLE TO START APPRECIATE LIFE MORE.
You understand this perfectly.
A sun flare can hit earth today and radiate all our little bodies to shreds. You will hear about this in the news a day in advance
and it does not matter if you are the bravest WFC fighter in the world. You WILL be scared like a little boy/girl and run for the caves.
Wake up please people and start giving and taking as much love as you can. there is nothing else worth living for. everything else is trivial useless shit.
fill your cups with love and share it
*eLliSDee*
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Posted : Feb 19, 2011 18:09
i want to post this non-trance song here. its beautiful and true. so mock me for it i dont care.
Outolintu
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Posted : Feb 19, 2011 23:48
one can't mock somebody for liking eddie vedder ...and that's a great movie btw.
"no one ever sweats on a plug-in" -moby
*eLliSDee*
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Posted : Feb 20, 2011 04:28
Quote:
On 2011-02-19 23:48, Outolintu wrote:
one can't mock somebody for liking eddie vedder ...and that's a great movie btw.
aah sweet, what a relieve. i was waiting for the homo comments.
you r awesome. dont ever change
Pavel
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Posted : Feb 22, 2011 07:54
Thank you very much for sharing with us this very important, as I learn myself unfortunately a few months ago, the death can and will visit when we expect the least and we indeed need to live and love to the max every nano second of our existence!
Quote:
On 2011-02-19 18:09, *eLliSDee* wrote:
i want to post this non-trance song here. its beautiful and true. so mock me for it i dont care.
Dude are you tripping? This is one of the bes t movies ever and the soundtrack is amazing as well.
Everyone in the world is doing something without me
jabba
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Posted : Feb 22, 2011 16:13
you are brave
you do not want to go to street chemicals.
you are perfect since what is not there did not belonged to you .
YOU will fight all odds
10 years from now i will call up to rendezvous for a joint ... a big fat one
be simple , try to train your brain to think only positive . LIFE never comes with a guarantee card and people die drinking coffee or eating that cookie so pointless thinking or creating a moment which may not be for you after 5 years or 15 years thereon , depends how you take life love it and it loves you back leave it and it does not care .
reorganize your life in this new setting and you shall see yourself enjoying and never dying
life is for brave survivors and i have just come to know one great survivor who is not dying but LIVING and that is you as soon as i read I realized
peace bro
To focus sometimes you need to spin hard on your soul's axis..... just don't ask how and what it means ;)
*eLliSDee*
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Posted : Feb 22, 2011 19:56
jabba,
your words has deep meaning for me.
thank you
