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Official Jokes Thread
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gAN32h
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
11
Posts :
82
Posted : Jan 26, 2005 19:25
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my first time...
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"
Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.
"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.
  The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist:. |
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IndiAlien
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
28
Posts :
1224
Posted : Jan 27, 2005 01:08
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An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to
the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors:
green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.
Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old
timer,never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex
with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
q(@ _ @)p
there is a light that
flashes |
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Sarcasm
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
26
Posts :
543
Posted : Jan 27, 2005 19:58
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>Three mice are sitting at a bar in a rough neighborhood late at night
>trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
>The first mouse downs a shot of Jack Daniel's, slams the glass onto the
>bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on
>my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in
>my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make
>off with the cheese."
>The second mouse orders up two shots of Bombay Sapphire, downs them both,
>slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies:
>"Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it
>home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I
>can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
>The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The
>third mouse heaves a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have
>time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and FUCK the cat."
So drunk i can brarely spell. |
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gAN32h
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
11
Posts :
82
Posted : Jan 31, 2005 16:01
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Top 10 Reasons why some Men prefer Guns over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a backup.
#6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A handgun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist:. |
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Narcosis
Narcosis
Started Topics :
45
Posts :
618
Posted : Feb 1, 2005 04:00
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Ok! Listen to this one... A greek one! What has the little girl Annoula (Anna) which the other children not?
Trance Sound As A Medium Towards Mystical Experience... |
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Narcosis
Narcosis
Started Topics :
45
Posts :
618
Posted : Feb 1, 2005 04:01
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Quote:
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On 2005-02-01 04:00, Narcosis wrote:
Ok! Listen to this one... A greek one! What has the little girl Annoula (Anna) which the other children not?
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A Cancer...
Trance Sound As A Medium Towards Mystical Experience... |
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IndiAlien
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
28
Posts :
1224
Posted : Feb 1, 2005 17:53
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ok... i didn't get that.... maybe is loses some of the humor in the translation
q(@ _ @)p
there is a light that
flashes |
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CRX(HSS Records)
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
97
Posts :
2707
Posted : Feb 3, 2005 23:22
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liitle john comes back from school and says to his mom:"mom mom jack's dick is like a peanut"
his mother said:"really that small?"
and he replied:"no,that salty"
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Narcosis
Narcosis
Started Topics :
45
Posts :
618
Posted : Feb 4, 2005 02:24
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Why little Helen she cant do a bicycle???
Because she has no legs...
Trance Sound As A Medium Towards Mystical Experience... |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Feb 4, 2005 15:32
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Quote:
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On 2005-02-04 02:24, Narcosis wrote:
Why little Helen she cant do a bicycle???
Because she has no legs...
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wat the matter with u...........all ur jokes r like this only...cancer n no leg.....all PJs
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Feb 5, 2005 15:03
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Real Life Cybersex
---------------------
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse and a miniskirt and high heels. My measurements are 36-24-36. I work out every day. I'm toned and perfect. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I am also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner - it smells a little funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK.
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and I accidently rip a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back and undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your spit off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out, nibbling on your ... umm ... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed, aching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark. I'm lost. Where's the bedroom.
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing against each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off you glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom. It's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my ... you know ... thing ... in your ... you know ... woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide it in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet, nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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Goannes
Started Topics :
7
Posts :
143
Posted : Feb 6, 2005 23:22
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A buddhist walks up to a hotdogsalesman and says: "Make me one with everything".
It took me 20 minutes to come up with this signature.
---->>> www.madhatter.be<<<---- |
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Butterfly Records
Butterfly Records
Started Topics :
8
Posts :
161
Posted : Feb 8, 2005 00:23
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Subject: dear IT support; subject: troubleshooting program
Dear IT Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as Formula One 5.0, NBA 3.0 and World Cup 2.0.
And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
__________________________________________________________________________________________
Reply:
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind: Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night Teh Tarik 6.1. Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.
Good Luck,
IT Support
http://studio-construction.blogspot.com/
NEW KEMIC-AL ALBUM IS COOKING !
http://www.myspace.com/butterfly_records http://www.myspace.com/kemicalbutterflyrecords[/b] |
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jabba
Started Topics :
9
Posts :
662
Posted : Feb 9, 2005 12:19
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in contempt
The judge says to a double-murder defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "Why, you bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "Why, you bastard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, your Honor, but for 15 years I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
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jabba
Started Topics :
9
Posts :
662
Posted : Feb 9, 2005 12:21
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In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the shoulders of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
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