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Official Jokes Thread
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Anak
Anakoluth
Started Topics :
108
Posts :
2395
Posted : Feb 25, 2009 23:08
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Peter is visiting his co-worker Robert, who fell off the roof the week before and is thus put in a cast from hips to ankles - only the feet rest uncovered. "I'm so cold", Robert moans, "please, go upstairs and fetch my slippers, will you?". Helpfully, Peter goes upstairs where he comes across his coworker's hot twin daughters. "Hey girls", he says, "your dad sent me up here to fuck the two of you!" "You dirty old liar! That's intolerable!", the twins exclaim. "Well", Peter replies, "let me prove it." So he yells down the stairway: "You mean both of them?", and Robert shouts back up: "Why, of course!"
  Anakoluth A Pebble in Your Eardrum's Shoe since 2001!
http://www.myspace.com/anakoluth
http://www.ektoplazm.com/profiles/anakoluth/
http://cronomi.com |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Feb 26, 2009 09:46
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Q: Why are breasts located in the upper half of a woman's body?
A: Because, milk should be kept away from the pussy?
A blowjob is the only job in the world that can't be included in your
resume despite years of experience and a number of refrences!
Jack & Jill went up the hill to have a little fun.
But stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.
As a man goes older, it is harder and harder for him to grow harder.
Q: Why are men like a toothbrush?
A: They are useless without handle.
When I was born I got the choice: a major dick or a fine memory. I am
not able to remember what I did choose.
Thought for the day: In terms of sex satisfaction, woman is like a
road and a man is like a traveller. The traveller gets tired but the
road never ends!
Man quits smoking because of will power.
He quits drinking because of will power.
But he quits womanizing because he has the will but no power.
Woman has man in it; Mrs. has Mir in it; Female has male in it; She
has He in it; Madam has Adam in it; No wonder men always want to be
inside women!
Write an essay which contains factors religion, sex & mystery.
Winning essay: Oh my god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it!
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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V3NOM
Inactive User
Started Topics :
131
Posts :
2234
Posted : Feb 27, 2009 00:11
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The pope and the old man
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy.
Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community.
So the Pope made a deal.
He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community.
If the Chinese win, they could stay.
If the Pope wins, the Chinese would leave.
The Chinese realized that they had no other choice.
So they picked a middle-aged man named Ah Peh to represent them.
Ah Peh asked for one condition to be added to the debate.
"To make it more interesting", he said, "neither side would be allowed to talk".
The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came.
Ah Peh and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute.
Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Ah Peh looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Ah Peh pointed to the ground at where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine.
Ah Peh pull out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said: "I give up. This man is too good. The Chinese can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around The Pope asking him what happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions."
"Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us."
"I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin. He showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah Peh. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Ah Peh, "First he indicated to me that all Chinese had 3 days to get out of here. I replied to him f*@k off and not one of us was leaving."
"Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese. I showed him that we are staying right here."
"Yes, and then???" asked the crowd.
"I don't know", said Ah Peh, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!!!"
I hate you, you hate me, we are all so hap hap happy! |
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V3NOM
Inactive User
Started Topics :
131
Posts :
2234
Posted : Feb 27, 2009 00:12
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Lost in translation...
An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 yen. He receives $72.00 in American currency. The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 yen.
This time, he receives $66.00 in American currency. The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 yen"
The clerk replies, "Fluctuations." As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "Fluck you Amelicans, too!"
I hate you, you hate me, we are all so hap hap happy! |
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V3NOM
Inactive User
Started Topics :
131
Posts :
2234
Posted : Feb 27, 2009 00:12
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Mature Blonde
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled.
"We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No... it's because you're 25."
I hate you, you hate me, we are all so hap hap happy! |
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Pt.
IsraTrance Senior Member
Started Topics :
236
Posts :
6106
Posted : Feb 27, 2009 02:28
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Have I told you this one before?
'A horse walks in to a bar, the bartender asks; Why the long face?'
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Anak
Anakoluth
Started Topics :
108
Posts :
2395
Posted : Mar 1, 2009 02:40
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On their wedding night, young Diane says to new hubby, "if you don't remove your socks, I am not getting in bed at all."
Hubby is determined not to remove the socks. Diane argues he is perhaps kinky!
Hubby eventually gives in. "Alright," he says, "I have hid this from you all through our courting days, though. Look." Removing the socks, one foot is only half there!
"I lost it during an accident at work," he explains, "it embarrasses me."
Diane runs down stairs. Ever so upset she telephones her Mum. Sobbing on the phone, she cries to her Mum, "he only has a foot and a half!"
Mother replies, "hang on, young lady. You pack your bags and get back home, tell him I am on my way over!"
Anakoluth A Pebble in Your Eardrum's Shoe since 2001!
http://www.myspace.com/anakoluth
http://www.ektoplazm.com/profiles/anakoluth/
http://cronomi.com |
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Forest dreams
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
107
Posts :
9697
Posted : Mar 4, 2009 12:19
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Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.
Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it .. What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly! In 12th.I was getting a aid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I can not invest so much of money".(The baap actually said - "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name - babanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.
Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.
Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.
Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.
Candidate: No, no... I am talking about Exams!!
Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when I flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra ) through some relative.
Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?
Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education itself was so much of pain!!
Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)
Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.
Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!
Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.
Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the times they are in pipeline!
Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.
Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like-'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes', 'SEI-CMM','quality','versioncontrol','deadlines' , 'Customer Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!
Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe . But
considering the fact that there is Olympics coming up in China in the current year, I don't mind going there in that period. As you can see I am
modest and don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?
Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to
INFOSYS.
The fellow was appointed in a newly created section 'Stress Management' in the HRD of Infosys.
Nothing is said that has not been said before. |
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exotic
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
200
Posts :
5057
Posted : Mar 10, 2009 06:02
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Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming but over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful!" one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy babies and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his ass!"
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sure_smoke_alot
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
45
Posts :
6874
Posted : Mar 10, 2009 06:48
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@exotic
the problem with valuing art is, till u dont understand it, it's worthless but wen u do understand it, it's priceless!! |
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full_on
IsraTrance Team
Started Topics :
279
Posts :
5475
Posted : Mar 12, 2009 22:26
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Respect!
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...Be gentle with the earth...
...Dance like nobody's watching...
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...I don't mind not going to Heaven, as long as they've got Coffee in Hell... |
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Forest dreams
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
107
Posts :
9697
Posted : Mar 18, 2009 16:46
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A.Rosengren
Solid Snake
Started Topics :
266
Posts :
4138
Posted : Mar 18, 2009 17:08
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Wow what an awful conversation.
A
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V3NOM
Inactive User
Started Topics :
131
Posts :
2234
Posted : Mar 19, 2009 05:05
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Only the Irish
Paddy Murphy staggers into a Belfast pub looking like he has just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible licking he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "You should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
“That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast - and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
**********************************************************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
***********************************************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. “I've something to tell you.”
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling you, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."
"Oh God, no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, “He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'”
*********************************************************************************************************
I hate you, you hate me, we are all so hap hap happy! |
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exotic
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
200
Posts :
5057
Posted : Oct 26, 2009 08:55
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The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?" Red raised her hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Brunette.Brunette said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Blonde. Blonde stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone?Why silicone?" Blonde answered, "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"
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