| Author
|
Official Jokes Thread
|
Anak
Anakoluth
Started Topics :
108
Posts :
2395
Posted : Feb 6, 2010 00:22
|
|
Xolvexs
IsraTrance Senior Member
Started Topics :
241
Posts :
2848
Posted : Feb 6, 2010 15:31
|
consumption of alcohol kills the germs that cause flu. therefore a shot in the glass is better than a shot in the ass
-
  When death comes to your doorstep, make sure you are alive |
|
|
|
Forest dreams
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
107
Posts :
9697
Posted : Mar 31, 2010 01:20
|
Quote:
|
On 2007-01-24 12:27, kikola wrote:
james bond smokes a huuuuuuge spliff and gets very very stoned....
Whilst walking down the road he notices a beautiful blonde girl , and immediately he introduces himself in the widely know manner:
"My name is Bond..."
"James, Din"
|
|
Nothing is said that has not been said before. |
|
|
|
gutter
Inactive User
Started Topics :
54
Posts :
3018
Posted : Apr 7, 2010 15:16
|
Lenin comes out on a balcony in the red square and talks to the nation
-- "Imagine that I will guarantee equal rights for every citizen of the nation !!" he says
-- " Lenon !! Lenon !!"- the people screams
-- " Not Lenon !!! LENIN !! " - says Lenin
-- "Imagine that I will spread the wealth equally to every citizen, no more rich and poor !!" - Lenin says
-- "LENON!! LENON !! "(the crowd above)
-- NOT LENON !!!! LENIN!! he says
-- "Imagine that I will build a nation with free education and hospitalization for everyone"
-- "LENON !!! LENON !! "
and Lenin -- NOT LEN.... AHH ..DAMN.. FUCK IT ! " Imagine all the people ....."
|
|
|
|
Anak
Anakoluth
Started Topics :
108
Posts :
2395
Posted : Apr 8, 2010 01:20
|
|
Xolvexs
IsraTrance Senior Member
Started Topics :
241
Posts :
2848
Posted : Apr 8, 2010 09:37
|
turn ur monitor upside down
370HSSV 0773H
When death comes to your doorstep, make sure you are alive |
|
|
|
juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Apr 8, 2010 13:08
|
hello Asshole.....
need not to turn ur monitor upside down
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
|
|
|
psionic nomad
IsraTrance Senior Member
Started Topics :
253
Posts :
2838
Posted : Apr 10, 2010 15:10
|
|
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' Moral of the storyIf you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
* I said "mom mom, I have found my spiritual enlightenment" and she said" there's another thing you have to find: A JOB" :>* |
|
|
|
Fometrius
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
84
Posts :
2082
Posted : Apr 11, 2010 08:56
|
|
Are you hungry? I need a toilette so we can meet halfways |
|
|
|
Fometrius
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
84
Posts :
2082
Posted : May 3, 2010 02:05
|
|
what about all the isratrance comedians? |
|
|
|
exotic
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
200
Posts :
5057
Posted : May 12, 2010 13:00
|
While walking down the street one day Nick Clegg is hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven”, says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in”, says the recently deceased Clegg.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity”, says St Peter staunchly.
“Really? I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says Clegg.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. A toast is raised to Michael Ashcroft and a miner from Derby is crucified, just for fun. They then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne and dance the day away listening to Tina Turner and the Moody Blues.
Also present is the Devil, who is a really nice guy who dances and tells jokes. They have such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. Smiling at Clegg, St Peter says “Now, it’s time to visit Heaven”.
So, 24 hours pass with Clegg joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, Nick, You’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity?”
The smug, patronizing, recently deceased Clegg reflects for a minute, then he answers “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven is wonderful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
”I don’t understand”, stammers Clegg. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. And oh! What fun we had with that miner, but now, there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable..... What happened?”
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted”.
missing plug-in |
|
|
|
Forest dreams
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
107
Posts :
9697
Posted : May 28, 2010 01:53
|
|
Nothing is said that has not been said before. |
|
|
|
Meta-Morphosis
IsraTrance Senior Member
Started Topics :
216
Posts :
4980
Posted : Jun 16, 2010 08:50
|
@exotic > good one 
“What we need is the development of the Inner Spiritual man, the unique individual, whose treasure is hidden in the symbols of our mythological tradition and in man’s unconscious psych.” - CJ Jung |
|
|
|
exotic
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
200
Posts :
5057
Posted : Jun 25, 2010 14:28
|
Chinese proverbs translated:
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.(Best)
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
Television never replace old reliable key hole.
Laziest man in world who marry widow with six children.
Girl who do back spring on bedspring have offspring next spring.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Man who stutters has a lot to say.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.
He who eats too many prunes, sits on potty many moons
missing plug-in |
|
|
|
Kronenherz
Started Topics :
1
Posts :
3
Posted : Jun 26, 2010 17:12
|
The CEO of a big law office is looking for new lawyers. His secretary piles up all job application forms and hands them to him. The CEO randomly pulls one form from the pile and tells his secretary:"Hire this guy!"
She replies:"But sir, you haven't even looked at the other applications"
The CEO:
"A man with no luck will not work for this company" |
|
|
|
|
