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Official Jokes Thread
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SkyBluGoa
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
20
Posts :
388
Posted : Jan 31, 2007 06:19
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Bulimic Digits
What does a bulimic call two fingers?
Dessert.
Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that''s going around?"
The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you''re a penguin, doesn''t it?"
Yogi Berra Quotes
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."
"Because it gets late early." (On why it's so tough to play left field in Yankee stadium.)
"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."
"It ain't over till it's over."
"It's deja vu all over again."
"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."
"We have very deep depth!"
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
"You can observe a lot by just watching."
Your Family Is So Poor
Your family is so poor, when I went to your house I stepped on a cigarette and your Daddy shouted, “Hey, who turned off the heater!”
What starts with ''F'' and ends with ''UCK?''
Firetruck!
Why did Al Gore get a belly ring?
Because George Bush had a Dick Cheney
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I am a congressman!"
The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"
What do you get when you mix beans and onions?
Tear gas!
Why have scientists started using lawyers for experiments instead of rats?
They don't become so attached to the lawyers.
Do you know the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
One less drunk!
Q: Where does an Irish person go on a vacation?
A: A new bar
In America, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your children are?
In England, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your husband is?
In Paris, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your wife is?
And in Poland, they say it's 10:00 do you know what time it is?
What is a hooker in Alaska called?
A frostitute.
Yo mama''s so fat, she dont need the Internet - she's already world wide.
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
A blond died her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on, She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm. she said to the farmer "If i can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?" "ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer looked around astonished and said "alright take one" As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If i can guess your natural hair colour can i have my dog back?"
Yo mama's so stupid, her idea of safe sex is to lock the car doors.
How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, that''s a hardware problem.
  I don't know, but I've been told, if you keep on dancing you won't grow old. |
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jabba
Started Topics :
9
Posts :
662
Posted : Jan 31, 2007 08:53
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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
To focus sometimes you need to spin hard on your soul's axis..... just don't ask how and what it means ;) |
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kArO
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
11
Posts :
1206
Posted : Jan 31, 2007 09:36
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Cyber Punk
IsraTrance Team
Started Topics :
29
Posts :
759
Posted : Jan 31, 2007 17:38
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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on Ayalon, just outside of Bat Yam.
Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Amir Peretz, Ehud Olmert and Dan Halutz. They are asking for a $100 million ransom, otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"
"About a liter"
-=Lead System Designer=- |
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SkyBluGoa
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
20
Posts :
388
Posted : Feb 1, 2007 05:54
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Cyber Punk, it's really funny 
Here are some more, some of them are pretty nasty:
Warm and Moist
MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
New Favorite Number
Q: What is 68?
A: You do me and I owe you!
President Bush is so stupid, he tried to hide in a corner in the Oval Office.
A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
"You, sir, are drunk!"
"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
Q: What do you say to a man with five penises?
A: Your jeans fit like a glove.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Tupac Shakur is a Jewish holiday.
"I hope I'm not poisonous," said the first snake.
"Why?" asked the second.
"Because I just bit my lip."
Q:Why was the ghost arrested?
A:Because it had no haunting license!!'
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot -- because you can catch a cold.
Why did the gypsy walk funny?
Because he had crystal balls.
How's a soyburger like a dildo?
They're both meat substitutes!
What do you call a redneck in a fancy suit?
''Mr. President.''
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs! Ha!
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
He's such a dumb jock, that when he was driving to the airport, he saw a sign that read, "Airport Left," and he turned around and went home.
What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful?
A tourist.
I don't know, but I've been told, if you keep on dancing you won't grow old. |
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Dennis the menace
DevilsDennis Sparris McHilton
Started Topics :
128
Posts :
2899
Posted : Feb 3, 2007 13:44
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Once it was a woman, who's husband worked in the armey, so he visited her max 2 times a year... so after a while... she begun to miss the sex, so she went to a dildo-store, to buy a vibrator.
In the shop, it was alot of vibrators... and the woman was new on this area, so she asked a man who worked in the store, he showed her a glass vibrator, and said "this is a very good vibrator, but if it breaks... it will hurt alot", so they whent to another, but she couldnt find one she liked... after a while she saw a wooden box who was on a table, and she asked "whats in that box?", and the man answered, "this is a magic vibrator, just say "magic vibrator, and then the area u want to be vibrated", she thaught that sounded nice, so she bought it... while she was driving home, she took up the vibrator and said "magic vibrator, my shoulders", and it started vibrating her shoulders... after a while she felt so good, so she screamed "MAGIC VIBRATOR, MY PUSSY!!!" and it started vibrating her pussy, then she got an orgasm, and crashed into a car... when the police arrived, he asked here "why did u crash into the car?" and she answered "well.... i bought this magic vibrator... and i made it vibrate my shoulders.. and after a while.. i made it vibrate my pussy, then i got an orgasm and crashed into the car...", then the police laughed and said "hahaha, magic vibrator... my ass!"
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alienatedBuddha
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
10
Posts :
121
Posted : Feb 5, 2007 00:25
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These are small paper squares, quarter of an inch from a side, and the've been impregnated with LSD'
'LSD doesn't fry your brain, it expands the mind. |
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sure_smoke_alot
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
45
Posts :
6874
Posted : Feb 5, 2007 08:40
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the problem with valuing art is, till u dont understand it, it's worthless but wen u do understand it, it's priceless!! |
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jabba
Started Topics :
9
Posts :
662
Posted : Feb 5, 2007 09:06
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One day, little Mikey came home from kindergarten and couldn't find his mother. So he headed upstairs and opened her bedroom door.
To his surprise, he saw his dad stripped naked on top of his mom, who was also naked, both heavily into the sexual act. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continued to do what they were doing.
After a couple of minutes, Mikey asked, "Daddy, can I climb on top and have a horsey ride?"
The dad thinks for a second, "Of course son, we're a family."
After a couple more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.
"Hang on Dad!" cries Mikey, "This is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"
To focus sometimes you need to spin hard on your soul's axis..... just don't ask how and what it means ;) |
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MercuryFall
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
52
Posts :
711
Posted : Feb 5, 2007 11:30
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Quote:
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Do the lines
take the
form of the
first letter
in the
persons name?
............ .....
Of course not.......
Now smack
yourself in the head, get a life,
and
quit playing
stupid
e-mail games!
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LOL!! But actually it DID for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! couldnt be clearer! will get a life anyway, hehe :-p |
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alienatedBuddha
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
10
Posts :
121
Posted : Mar 6, 2007 00:23
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A rabbit was hopping through the forest when he came upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit said, “Giraffe, don't do drugs. Come, run with me through the forest." The giraffe looked at the rabbit, then at the joint. He dropped the joint and ran off with the rabbit.
They came upon an elephant snorting cocaine. The Rabbit said,” Elephant, don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest." The elephant looked at his razor blade and mirror, tossed them away and began running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then came across a lion about to shoot up. The Rabbit said, "Lion, don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest." The lion looked at the rabbit and then at the needle. He put down the needle and started to beat up the rabbit.
Horrified, the giraffe and elephant asked, "Lion, why are you doing this? He was trying to help you."The lion answered, "This little fucker? He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy
These are small paper squares, quarter of an inch from a side, and the've been impregnated with LSD'
'LSD doesn't fry your brain, it expands the mind. |
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kArO
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
11
Posts :
1206
Posted : Mar 7, 2007 13:14
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omg
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jabba
Started Topics :
9
Posts :
662
Posted : Mar 8, 2007 14:50
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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What is that, a bonus? I think the cycle is all backwards. You should die first. Get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs and alcohol. You party. You get ready for High School. You go to grade school and become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities. You become a baby. You go into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as an orgasm.
To focus sometimes you need to spin hard on your soul's axis..... just don't ask how and what it means ;) |
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gaspard
Yab Yum
Started Topics :
50
Posts :
641
Posted : Mar 8, 2007 16:05
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Quote:
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On:50, jabba wrote:
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What is that, a bonus? I think the cycle is all backwards. You should die first. Get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs and alcohol. You party. You get ready for High School. You go to grade school and become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities. You become a baby. You go into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as an orgasm.
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nicely put!!! i ll go along with that!!
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Terry Pratchett |
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Pt.
IsraTrance Senior Member
Started Topics :
236
Posts :
6106
Posted : Mar 8, 2007 18:18
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Quote:
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On 2007-02-01 05:54, SkyBluGoa wrote:
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
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.. Miss, that was some of the best jokes I've read in years. Thanks. Btw. I didn't get Cyper Punks joke :huh:
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