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Official Jokes Thread
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goaren
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
60
Posts :
1151
Posted : Nov 22, 2006 18:07
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good one  |
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exotic
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
200
Posts :
5057
Posted : Nov 28, 2006 14:45
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A couple wanted to join the church. The pastor told them, "We have a
special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex
for one whole month."
The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the church.
When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and
the husband was obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?", the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from
sex for the required month." the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult...however, we managed to abstain
through sheer willpower." "The second week was terrible, but with the
use of prayer, we managed to abstain. "However, the third week was
unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the
Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.
"One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just
had my way with her right then and there."
"It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over half an hour,
and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat." admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means
you will not be welcome in our church."
"We know", said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Walmart either!"
 missing plug-in |
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sure_smoke_alot
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
45
Posts :
6874
Posted : Nov 29, 2006 08:12
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^^^  
the problem with valuing art is, till u dont understand it, it's worthless but wen u do understand it, it's priceless!! |
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alienatedBuddha
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
10
Posts :
121
Posted : Nov 29, 2006 22:29
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A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, “You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?”
The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times.
“One day,” he begins, “I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream.”
So I picked up the frog and it said, “Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.”
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, “You now have 3 wishes.”
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, “I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.”
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, “What will be your second wish?”
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, “I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.” She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. “We then made love for hours!”
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, “You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?”
I looked at her and replied, “How about a little head?”
These are small paper squares, quarter of an inch from a side, and the've been impregnated with LSD'
'LSD doesn't fry your brain, it expands the mind. |
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MॐZC4L1†0
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
10
Posts :
375
Posted : Nov 29, 2006 23:30
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Quote:
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On 2006-11-22 11:20, jabba wrote:
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”
The woman said, “That’s okay.” For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to.”
The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.” So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.”
The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish,and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good ! =)
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they’re really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that you women never listen!!!!!!!!!
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hahahahahaha lmao the joke of the year 
Memento Mori |
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bianca djús
Started Topics :
2
Posts :
149
Posted : Nov 30, 2006 00:30
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HAHAHAHAH que pendejos! |
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jabba
Started Topics :
9
Posts :
662
Posted : Nov 30, 2006 09:04
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lo es bianca
We Men are just simply happier people, and here is why...
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car Mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all of your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
To focus sometimes you need to spin hard on your soul's axis..... just don't ask how and what it means ;) |
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jabba
Started Topics :
9
Posts :
662
Posted : Dec 4, 2006 18:32
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There were once three guys with no dicks. They all went to the doctor's. The first guy says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!" "What's the problem?" asks the doctor.
"I have no dick!"
So the doctor gives him a metal dick and tells him to come back in a week.
The next guy comes in and says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!"
"What's wrong?" the doctor asks.
"I have no dick!"
The doctor gives him a wooden dick and tells him to come back in a week.
The last guy comes in and has the same problem. The doctor gives him an electrical dick, and also tells him to come back in a week.
A week later,the first guy with the metal dick goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, doctor, I hate you, I hate you!"
"Why?" asks the doctor.
"Well, everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she starts to shiver!" He walks out.
The next guy with the wooden dick comes in and says, "Doctor! I hate you!"
"Why?" the doctor asks.
"Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters up there!" He walks out.
The last guy with the electrical dick walks in and says, "Doctor, doctor! I love you, I love you!"
"Why?"
"Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, her boobs light up!"
To focus sometimes you need to spin hard on your soul's axis..... just don't ask how and what it means ;) |
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Dennis the menace
DevilsDennis Sparris McHilton
Started Topics :
128
Posts :
2899
Posted : Dec 7, 2006 10:45
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At the airport immigration office:
-NAME?
-Dennis the menace
-SEX?
-Three times a week!
-I MEANE MALE OR FEMALE?
-Doesnt matter. Sometimes even with a camel
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Dec 8, 2006 11:37
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The Perfect Day - Her
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day - Him
6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Hillary Clinton and Al Gore sex scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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sure_smoke_alot
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
45
Posts :
6874
Posted : Dec 9, 2006 07:15
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Quote:
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On 2006-12-07 10:45, Dennis the menace wrote:
At the airport immigration office:
-NAME?
-Dennis the menace
-SEX?
-Three times a week!
-I MEANE MALE OR FEMALE?
-Doesnt matter. Sometimes even with a camel
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the problem with valuing art is, till u dont understand it, it's worthless but wen u do understand it, it's priceless!! |
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wandering soundwave
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
23
Posts :
501
Posted : Dec 13, 2006 07:31
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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is
too fockin' dangerous for me"
PART TWO
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.
Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"
PART THREE
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen gliding"
peace
love n' light
( (( ( ((( ( (( boOm )) ) ))) ) )) ) |
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wandering soundwave
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
23
Posts :
501
Posted : Dec 13, 2006 08:04
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Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend
so get yourself a dog."
peace
love n' light
( (( ( ((( ( (( boOm )) ) ))) ) )) ) |
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psybratt
Devic
Started Topics :
23
Posts :
442
Posted : Dec 20, 2006 04:14
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Subject: Marriage Counseling
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
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Gopendragon
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
55
Posts :
2394
Posted : Dec 20, 2006 09:19
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Once up on the time..there were 3 trancers somwhere in space n time...the two of them decided to leave away,but the one and alone standed ...but finnaly nobody remained in the end...and thats because the LOST one that remained was a LOST BODY...
~~~~~~~namaskar~~~~~~~~~
After the End,a new Begining startS.. |
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