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Official Jokes Thread
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Sep 9, 2008 12:54
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A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.
"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"
"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."
  Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Sep 9, 2008 13:13
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A nerdy little accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge guy with a big bulge. The cellmate says, "I wanna have some sex. Are you gonna be the husband or the wife?"
The little guy says, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband."
The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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sure_smoke_alot
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
45
Posts :
6874
Posted : Sep 10, 2008 07:30
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Quote:
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On 2008-09-09 12:54, juice wrote:
A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.
"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"
"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."
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the problem with valuing art is, till u dont understand it, it's worthless but wen u do understand it, it's priceless!! |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Sep 10, 2008 10:22
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one day a small cat was sitting hungry by a river when a small chipalata sausage came flowing past....the cat used his paw to get the chipalata and managed to not even get it wet. The cat was happy! The next day the day was equally as hungry when a larger sausage came flowing past in the river, the cat dipped its paw in to get the sausage and only got its paw marginally wet, the cat was happy! The next day the cat was absolutely starving when a massive frankfurt wopper came flowing past..the cat dipped his paw in to get it but fell in! However the cat retrieved the sausage and was happy. the moral or the story is.............the bigger the sausage....the wetter the pussy!
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Sep 10, 2008 10:25
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thier was this kid that always got picked on at school. everyday his friends and kids that whent to school always said to him f**k you.well the dumb kid always was curious about what
the word f**k means. one day he got real
sad and wanted to know what it meant,so he ran home and rushed in the house screaming out for his father. he yelled
"pah"and then his pa came out and asked what hell you want boy? the boy said "pah" what does f**k mean. and then his pah said son i think its time you knew what f**k mean. pah then yelled out "mah" get down here son want sto know what f**k mean. mah comes down stairs pah says mah take off your clothes and get in your posission.he turns to his son and said son you see that pink spot on mah."uh huh"watch your pah go to work. then the boys sister came in the door and says what are they doin? the boy turns his head
and with a smile he says they fuckin.
sister says what does f**k mean.
WELL YOU SEE THAT BROWN SPOT ON PAH"uh huh" WATCH YOUR BROTHER GO TO WORK.
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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full_on
IsraTrance Team
Started Topics :
279
Posts :
5475
Posted : Sep 14, 2008 03:47
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Keep them coming... 
Respect!
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...Be gentle with the earth...
...Dance like nobody's watching...
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...I don't mind not going to Heaven, as long as they've got Coffee in Hell... |
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Forest dreams
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
107
Posts :
9697
Posted : Sep 15, 2008 13:38
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Quote:
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On 2008-09-09 12:54, juice wrote:
A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.
"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"
"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."
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aaahaha good one 
Nothing is said that has not been said before. |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Sep 15, 2008 18:23
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A woman goes to her doctor and says that she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret, as she is embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says. "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."
"Who is the third rose from?" asked the woman.
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Sep 15, 2008 18:24
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An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.
She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to ep.
sle
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you use to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going ?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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Anak
Anakoluth
Started Topics :
108
Posts :
2395
Posted : Sep 19, 2008 22:04
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Quote:
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On 2008-07-23 15:20, juice wrote:
Paddy and Mick were both laid off from their jobs in a clothing factory, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, “Panty Stitcher - I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties and tongs.”
The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, “Diesel fitter.”
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week. When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker were collecting double his pay.
The Clerk explained, “Panty Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel fitters are skilled labour.”
“What skill?” yelled Paddy? “I sew da elastic on da panties and tongs, and then Mick puts ‘em over his head and says: “Yep, diesel fitter.”
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After my Irish friend explained that one to me, I gotta say this is one of the funniest jokes ever 
Anakoluth A Pebble in Your Eardrum's Shoe since 2001!
http://www.myspace.com/anakoluth
http://www.ektoplazm.com/profiles/anakoluth/
http://cronomi.com |
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galactic monkey
Galactic Monkey
Started Topics :
84
Posts :
975
Posted : Sep 23, 2008 15:30
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did you hear about the irish water polo team?.........
they drowned 12 horses
Skyhighatrist and Galactic Monkey - Strangely Obtuse CD available for £6 delivered worldwide from www.catawampus-records.co.uk |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Oct 1, 2008 13:11
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A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of students one
night. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-speaker
system. "Listen to the sound of my voice...", he kept repeating, "the sound
of my voice... every word is a command... the sound of my voice..." Pretty
soon, he had every single student in the audience completely mesmerized, each
one hanging on his every word.
Needing to take a quick piss, he announced "I will have to leave the stage
for a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I am gone" And then
he repeated the words "the sound of my voice... every word is a command." As
he turned to go, he tripped over the microphone cord, landed on his butt,
and yelled "SHIT!"
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Oct 1, 2008 14:25
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CUSTOMER SURVEY
This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website,
by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company,
of course, does not have a sense of humour and made the web department
take it down immediately.
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.
In order to protect your new investment; please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. [_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other
First Name: .....................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name......................................................
Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name:......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........
2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ....... /....... /......
4. Serial Number: ...............................................
5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision
to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / manoeuvrability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Panama
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq
9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:
[_] Colour TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Indicate
all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Nice Person
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveller's check
12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defence Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Work At Post Office
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers
will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you
better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and
special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups and
mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will
be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our War Not Peace Sweepstakes!
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Oct 1, 2008 14:41
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Partial Dosage
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How
many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex
anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough
so I don't pee on my shoes."
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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Anak
Anakoluth
Started Topics :
108
Posts :
2395
Posted : Oct 4, 2008 16:41
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Joe took his blind date to the carnival.
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his quid.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early,
dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, waura, it was wousy."
Anakoluth A Pebble in Your Eardrum's Shoe since 2001!
http://www.myspace.com/anakoluth
http://www.ektoplazm.com/profiles/anakoluth/
http://cronomi.com |
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