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Official Jokes Thread
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deeplydisturbed
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
11
Posts :
385
Posted : May 23, 2008 04:53
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Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," replies Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
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Q: Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
A: Because the snowblower was coming down the road
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Q: How do you know when you're really ugly?
A: Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg |
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CRX(HSS Records)
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
97
Posts :
2707
Posted : May 23, 2008 18:48
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Mary's father gets into the house quickly,he jumps the stairs and he gets into his daughter room where he finds her onto a pentagram covered with blood with 3 people banging her!!
-What the fuck are you doing here?,he yells
-dad we are in a middle of a satanic orgy,mary replied
-phewwwww and I thought you were smoking!!says the father!!!!
hehe
greek @@
 Helicon Sounds Music
www.hssr.gr |
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sure_smoke_alot
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
45
Posts :
6874
Posted : May 24, 2008 07:13
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^^ 
the problem with valuing art is, till u dont understand it, it's worthless but wen u do understand it, it's priceless!! |
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Anak
Anakoluth
Started Topics :
108
Posts :
2395
Posted : May 25, 2008 15:27
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A young girl from Essex is talking to her mum about the birds and the bee's...
She turns to her mum and says, "Where do babies come from?"
The mum then replies, "babies come from where a man puts his penis"
The girl replies, "won't that break my jaw?"
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This Indian bloke walks into this supermarket and ask the attendant what kind of toilet paper they have for sale. The attendant shows him three brands. The first brand is called Kleenex and costs two pounds for two rolls, the second brand is Sorbent and costs one pound for two rolls and the third brand is a no name brand and costs fifty pence for five rolls.
The Indian says, "five rolls for fifty pence, that is cheap - think of the vindaloos I can have."
So the Indian buys the no name toilet paper and leaves. The next day he returns to the store and finds the attendant and says to him, "I still have got four toilet rolls left, but I have found a name for your toilet roll."
The attendant looked confused when he said that and asked him to explain.
The Indian says, "you should call it John Wayne toilet paper!"
The attendant said, "why John Wayne?"
And the Indian replies, "because John Wayne was rough and he was hard and he took no shit off Indians."
Anakoluth A Pebble in Your Eardrum's Shoe since 2001!
http://www.myspace.com/anakoluth
http://www.ektoplazm.com/profiles/anakoluth/
http://cronomi.com |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : May 26, 2008 15:13
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A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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deeplydisturbed
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
11
Posts :
385
Posted : May 27, 2008 23:04
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A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake." The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?"
"I said 'Hey this looks like yours hun!' |
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deeplydisturbed
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
11
Posts :
385
Posted : May 27, 2008 23:08
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An old Indian was asked the name of his wife.
He replied, Wife Name - Three Horse.
That's an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?
It's an old Indian name. Means Nag, Nag, Nag. |
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Braindrop
Braindrop
Started Topics :
140
Posts :
1730
Posted : Jun 3, 2008 14:29
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Quote:
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On 2008-05-26 15:13, juice wrote:
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
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HAHAHAHAHA!!! Rotfllllllll!!! 
Good one!
www.braindrop.in |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Jul 11, 2008 09:55
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A 75-year old man went to his doctor`s office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor`s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it is like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing.. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing.. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we could not get the damn jar open!"
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Jul 11, 2008 09:59
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Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband shouted , "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll Give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for! the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire,burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
" Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.
"I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of nonstop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
Genie smile -
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-"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you
still believe in genies?"
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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Mad Purple State
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
39
Posts :
1468
Posted : Jul 11, 2008 10:29
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hahaha... good one!
No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness... |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Jul 23, 2008 15:20
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Paddy and Mick were both laid off from their jobs in a clothing factory, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, “Panty Stitcher - I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties and tongs.”
The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, “Diesel fitter.”
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week. When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker were collecting double his pay.
The Clerk explained, “Panty Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel fitters are skilled labour.”
“What skill?” yelled Paddy? “I sew da elastic on da panties and tongs, and then Mick puts ‘em over his head and says: “Yep, diesel fitter.”
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Jul 23, 2008 16:30
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I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double.
‘What’s that?’ I asked
‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.
I said, ‘No’ - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was ‘my lucky night’.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mum, you still awake?’
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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kin beat
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
62
Posts :
953
Posted : Jul 24, 2008 09:33
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Sep 9, 2008 12:44
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Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them.
After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, "I wish the ocean was made of beer."
Magically, the ocean turns to beer.
Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!"
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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