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Official Jokes Thread
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Jun 19, 2007 12:50
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
  Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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exotic
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
200
Posts :
5057
Posted : Jun 23, 2007 09:24
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The importance of original documents
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping
the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by
hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from
copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the
head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a
small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact,
that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you Make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where
the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that
hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees
the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed
the " R "! , we missed the " R"!
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong,
father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...
>
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CELEB R ATE!!!"
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alienatedBuddha
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
10
Posts :
121
Posted : Jun 27, 2007 05:04
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A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! What are you doing?” The monkey says, “Smoking a joint. Come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry, and
that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned
lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?”
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out.
He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says, “Hey, MONKEY!”
The Monkey looks down and says “WOOOO, DUUUUDE . . . How much water did you drink?”
=============================================
"When I was a teenager, right, I was only seriously depressed like twice -
once for four years, and once for five. The first of these periods hit me
when I hit thirteen. This depression followed hard on the one I'd been
having when I was twelve, which like dated back to a bad vibe I had as a
foetus, but those were childhood depressions, which are not what I'm
talking about now. Between my first and second adolescent depressions,
I WAS HAPPY FOR EIGHT MINUTES!!!
Yeah, I was fifteen and a half and this is how it happened. I discovered
drugs. I tuned up, freaked in, and dropped around. I found God and
happiness within myself, I like knew, and saw, THE WHOLE TRUTH, and it was
a trip man, a real trip.
This is how it happened. Me and my like groove pal, Rollock, were in
Leamington Spa, just sort of digging the summer and drawing on our jeans
in biro... when this guy I knew from school, well, he was my best mate
actually, came up and said, "Hey, Neil and Rollock, d'you wanna score some
acid?"
FREAK OUT!! DID WE? HAVE I GOT LONG HAIR?
So like we scored a couple of tabs... and dropped them (which is groove
talk for eating them). Like 50p a tab, and it was done. My very first
electric cool laid acid trip...
Instantly my previous adolescent depression fell away from me, like
Gandalf casting aside his old grey cloak, my head seemed to detach itself
and float above me, I looked down and I could see that my nob was bigger
than Heathrow airport. Then this like space ship landed on it, and Jimi
Hendrix got out and played "Electric Ladyland" on a harp made out of my
pubes, except it wasn't Jimi, it was JESUS! and he said, "watch the
sunshine dance Neil, there are no more bum vibes", and I said "each one of
my thoughts is a glittering bubble, floating in space for all eternity",
and then there was this groovy dancing flower in front of me, and it
looked a bit like Rollock, and it was singing, and the song it sang was...
"This is an orange tic-tac man! We've been ripped off!", and that was when
my second adolescent depression started."
=============================================
A FRIEND of a friend worked as an airline pilot and for years flew the
JFK-Heathrow run. There were many amusing incidents, but one still makes him
chuckle the most.
He'd flown a jumbo into London, and when all the passengers had
disembarked, one of the stewardesses found a small carved box under a seat.
When she opened it, she found some suspicious-looking powder inside. Customs
staff specially trained to deal with drug trafficking quickly arrived and one
officer opened the box, licking his finger before dipping it into the powder
and putting it into his mouth to taste it.
"Well, it's not a narcotic," he said, efficiently. Just then, an elderly
lady tottered along the aisle and asked the stewardess if she'd happened to
come across a small engraved casket. It apparently contained her husband's
ashes.
These are small paper squares, quarter of an inch from a side, and the've been impregnated with LSD'
'LSD doesn't fry your brain, it expands the mind. |
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exotic
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
200
Posts :
5057
Posted : Jul 17, 2007 15:43
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Jesus sees that planet earth is going down the drain because so many people use something called drugs. So he has to know about this kind of shit so he calls all the Apostles and tells them that they have to go down to earth to see for themselves what is going on and then go back to Heaven and report to Jesus...
The Apostles go to different places on earth and after some time they come back to report what they saw. John comes and Jesus asks him "What did you find?" John: "I've got some funny stuff, that's called marijuana..." Jesus: "Oh yeah? Let me try it..." he tries it and... "Hey dudes, the music sounds so great!"
Then Paul comes with some amphetamine... Jesus tries it and goes "Wow, I'm feeling hot and full of energy!"
Then comes Peter with some LSD and Jesus says "My hands... they look soo... strange".
He tries all kinds of dope from each and every one of the Apostles and in the end he welcomes Judas with a huge stoned smile...
"Sooooo..... Judas ..... my ..... brother" he says, "What did .... you bring?"
Judas: "Errr... I brought ... the cops!"
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Transcendentalist
Started Topics :
3
Posts :
331
Posted : Jul 17, 2007 22:59
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The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!" |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Jul 18, 2007 14:15
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A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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wandering soundwave
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
23
Posts :
501
Posted : Jul 22, 2007 09:43
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A principal of a small middle school had a problem
with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick.
After applying lipstick in the bathroom they
would then press their lips to the mirror and
leave lip prints
[purportedly practicing the perfect pucker].
Before it got out of hand he thought
of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together
who wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet
with them in the ladies room at 2 pm.
They gathered at 2pm and found the principal
and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming
a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror
every night. He said he felt the ladies did not
fully understand just how much of a problem
it was to remove the waxy lipstick, and
he wanted them to witness just how hard
it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated...
He took a long brush on a handle out of a box.
He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet,
moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls
pressed their lips on the mirror.
peace
love n' light
( (( ( ((( ( (( boOm )) ) ))) ) )) ) |
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Transcendentalist
Started Topics :
3
Posts :
331
Posted : Jul 22, 2007 11:03
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The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!" |
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Magox
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
20
Posts :
2095
Posted : Jul 28, 2007 19:09
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A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"
"On the path of spirituality, one ventures to vanquish one’s own faults rather than to judge others" |
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Forest dreams
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
107
Posts :
9697
Posted : Aug 23, 2007 23:37
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((((RING)))) (((RING)))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
Brief Pause...
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? .....Is this 555-7039??"
Nothing is said that has not been said before. |
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xrust
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
63
Posts :
1742
Posted : Aug 24, 2007 03:35
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2 friends are sitting together.the one says to the other
-look man,i need you to do me a favour
-what favour?asks the other guy
-i want you to go the church and make a confession
-hey man are you crazy?says the other..i hjavent been confesed for years
-actuallu,i want you to keep the priest busy so i can go home and fukc his wife..
-well ok ,says the other,i will doit...
he goes to church,enters the cnfession room and sits..
after a while the priest is coming and starts the confession thing
after talking some crap,the lier guy starting to realize that the priest is a cool and nice guy,so he becomes emotional and he says:
-to tell you the truth father,by being here now ,i am making another sin,and a big one
-what sin child?asks the priest
well,i came here to keep you busy so my friend can go to your house and have sex with your wife
-son,do you have a wife?asks the priest
well yes i do.says the lier guy
-then you better run home ,my wife is dead for 3 years now......
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xrust
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
63
Posts :
1742
Posted : Aug 24, 2007 03:38
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white female.black male.chinese son
the son asks his father:
father,how come you are black,mom is white and i am chinese?
and the father answers:
well son,after thah gangbangs we had back in the dayz,you are lucky that you speak and not barking 
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kin beat
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
62
Posts :
953
Posted : Aug 24, 2007 08:13
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Santa and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Patiyala to New Delhi. The lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun
game. Santa, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and
explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me fifty rupees, and
vice versa."
Again, Santa declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay
me Rs. 50, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you Rs. 5000."
This catches Santa's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's
the distance from the earth to the moon?"
Santa doesn't say a word, reaches into his purse, pulls out a Rs. 50 bill, and hands it to the
lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." Santa asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no
answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends
e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour,
he wakes Santa and hands him Rs. 5000. Santa thanks him and turns back to
get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs Santa and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, Santa reaches into his purse, hands the lawyer Rs. 50, and goes back to sleep.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA www.instagram.com/ckloro
www.twitter.com/ckloro |
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Xolvexs
IsraTrance Senior Member
Started Topics :
241
Posts :
2848
Posted : Oct 8, 2007 19:29
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A man thought that his wife is cheating on him. Since he didn't have a lot of money to hire an expensive private investigator, he decided to go with a much cheaper one -- a Chinese man named Mr. Lee.
The following day he received following report:
MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE! I WATCH HOUSE. HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH. HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW. HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL I CLIMB TREE. I LOOK IN WINDOW. HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE. HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE. HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE. I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE. I NOT SEE.NO FEE,
Yours , Lee
When death comes to your doorstep, make sure you are alive |
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exotic
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
200
Posts :
5057
Posted : Oct 10, 2007 14:09
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ahahahhaa  @ doughcherry
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They
approached one of the petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The petrol pump, of course, didn't respond.The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently,
"Greetings, Earthling.We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will
fire!"
The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should
make him mad.
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien.
He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien.
"He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied
"If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear!!"
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