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Official Jokes Thread
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wandering soundwave
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
23
Posts :
501
Posted : May 13, 2007 01:33
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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had died, Jenny went straight to visit her grandmother.
When she asked how her grandpa had died, her grandma explained, not holding back anything of course,
"He had a heart attack during sex, Sunday morning!"
Horrified, Jenny suggested that screwing at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble!
"Oh no," her grandma replied. "We had sex every Sunday morning in time with the church bells!"
"In with the dings, out with the dongs!"
She paused to wipe away a tear, "...If it wasn't for that damn Ice Cream Truck, he'd still be alive!"
  peace
love n' light
( (( ( ((( ( (( boOm )) ) ))) ) )) ) |
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wandering soundwave
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
23
Posts :
501
Posted : May 13, 2007 01:36
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A Rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives.
The Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?"
He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring."
The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?"
The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy."
The Poor man says, "O.K. That works."
The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?"
The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?"
The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!"
peace
love n' light
( (( ( ((( ( (( boOm )) ) ))) ) )) ) |
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wandering soundwave
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
23
Posts :
501
Posted : May 13, 2007 01:38
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There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.
She does and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."
She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon."
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.
This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"
So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?"
He says "No, I'm trying to get them out!!!!"
peace
love n' light
( (( ( ((( ( (( boOm )) ) ))) ) )) ) |
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wandering soundwave
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
23
Posts :
501
Posted : May 13, 2007 01:39
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A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?
peace
love n' light
( (( ( ((( ( (( boOm )) ) ))) ) )) ) |
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wandering soundwave
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
23
Posts :
501
Posted : May 13, 2007 01:45
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Michael and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go
back to Michael's mom and dad's for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his
breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if
Michael and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school!"
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Michael and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go
back to school!"
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Michael and
Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline
and I think..... I gave him my airplane glue!"
peace
love n' light
( (( ( ((( ( (( boOm )) ) ))) ) )) ) |
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wandering soundwave
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
23
Posts :
501
Posted : May 13, 2007 01:51
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A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
peace
love n' light
( (( ( ((( ( (( boOm )) ) ))) ) )) ) |
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wandering soundwave
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
23
Posts :
501
Posted : May 13, 2007 01:52
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Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
peace
love n' light
( (( ( ((( ( (( boOm )) ) ))) ) )) ) |
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wandering soundwave
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
23
Posts :
501
Posted : May 17, 2007 21:40
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Husband: Today is Sunday & I wanna enjoy, so I bought 3 movie tickets
Wife: Why 3?
Husband: For you and your parents!
peace
love n' light
( (( ( ((( ( (( boOm )) ) ))) ) )) ) |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : May 18, 2007 10:08
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Quote:
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On 2007-05-13 01:51, wandering soundwave wrote:
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
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ha ha ha...tht was great
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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jabba
Started Topics :
9
Posts :
662
Posted : May 24, 2007 15:41
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A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.
He says, "What on earth is that all about?"
The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm."
"Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?"
The farmer replied, "There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."
To focus sometimes you need to spin hard on your soul's axis..... just don't ask how and what it means ;) |
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alienatedBuddha
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
10
Posts :
121
Posted : Jun 4, 2007 13:16
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One sunny Sunday, Superman was flying around with nothing to do, so he decided to drop in on Batman.
"Hi, Bat", said Superman, "let's go down the pub and have a beer."
"Not today, Super. My Batmobile's broken down and I've got to fix it. Can't fight crime without it, you know."
Disappointed, Superman went over to Spiderman's place.
"Let's go down the pub for a drink, Spider."
"Sorry Super. I've got a problem with my web gun. Can't fight without it, you know."
Dejectedly, Superman took to the air again, and decided to drop by on Wonder Woman. There she was, lying on her back out on her balcony, stark naked and writhing around. Superman conceived a cunning idea. "Everyone says I'm faster than a speeding bullet, and I've always wondered what sort of screw she'd be'.
So he zoomed down, did her in a flash and zoomed off.
What the hell was that!", cried Wonder Woman.
"I don't know, but it hurt like hell!" said the Invisible Man.
These are small paper squares, quarter of an inch from a side, and the've been impregnated with LSD'
'LSD doesn't fry your brain, it expands the mind. |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Jun 5, 2007 08:33
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ha ha ha.........super lolzzzz
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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coSmiIic r080t0n3
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
72
Posts :
2340
Posted : Jun 19, 2007 11:51
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Things not to say to a naked woman
Cool, I’ve never been to the Grand Canyon.
How many storage boxes can you fit in there?
You must be very experienced.
Remember, you said this was a freebie…right?
Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don’t fall in.
I gotta take off my watch, wouldn’t wanna lose it.
Why do you wear a bra when you’ve already got a belt.
Would you mind rolling around in this flour.
I heard carpenters dream about you.
So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
Look….I can get my whole arm in.
It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
Is that an optical illusion?
If I look right at it I feel like I’m falling in.
Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?
Do you mind if I wear one too…in case yours falls off?
Jeez…What ya got up there, dead fish?
I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
I’ve been wondering all night what that smell was.
Maybe if I get really wasted I wont mind your body.
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Everybody down at the bar said you were good.
Oh, that’s why they call it a Wonderbra, it makes those lines go away.
Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel.
I expect a good time, at least, the bathroom wall said so.
You’re not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.
You’re not ‘that’ fat.
I see why everyone said, with you, it’s better with the lights out.
Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.
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It's time to move on to the next step in the psychedelic revolution. We've reached a certain point, but we're not moving any more.
Ken Kesey |
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coSmiIic r080t0n3
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
72
Posts :
2340
Posted : Jun 19, 2007 11:55
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Nailing peoples personality on wat dey Drink ....
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a WOMAN’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. She’ll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include white Zinfandel,see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had four more years…Alzheimer’s and term limits be damned.
Drink: White Zinfandel
personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…
Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk…and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
Then there is the MALE addendum …. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.
Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn’t give two shits about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I’m gonna go shag something.
White Zinfandel: He’s gay.
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It's time to move on to the next step in the psychedelic revolution. We've reached a certain point, but we're not moving any more.
Ken Kesey |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Jun 19, 2007 12:38
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Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language).
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time." "And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis...fifty times"
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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