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Official Jokes Thread
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jabba
Started Topics :
9
Posts :
662
Posted : Mar 9, 2007 07:59
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Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous! Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man, go upstairs and he'll take care of you!"
So up the stairs she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," said her mother. "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs and Tony will take care of you!"
So, up she went again! When she got there, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama,mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
Her mother replied,"Don't worry Maria, all good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man, go upstairs and he will take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the sauce dear," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
  To focus sometimes you need to spin hard on your soul's axis..... just don't ask how and what it means ;) |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Mar 9, 2007 10:56
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A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received.
1. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"
2. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
3. Of loving beauty you float with grace,
If only you could, hide your face
4. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
5. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
6. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
7. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
8. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
9. I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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full_on
IsraTrance Team
Started Topics :
279
Posts :
5475
Posted : Apr 1, 2007 12:58
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BUMP!
Give me more...
Respect!
.
...Be gentle with the earth...
...Dance like nobody's watching...
.
...I don't mind not going to Heaven, as long as they've got Coffee in Hell... |
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coSmiIic r080t0n3
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
72
Posts :
2340
Posted : Apr 2, 2007 11:51
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Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take
off
my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put
them on.
When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she
couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. " I told her, "of
course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I
always
will"
Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after
the
wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to
Jill
and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly
wear
them. "Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this
relationship
and I always will. I don't want you to forget that".
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these
on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. "I can't
possibly get into your knickers," said Jack. "Exactly," replied Jill.
"And if you don't change your f*cking attitude,you never will."
- - - - - - - -
It's time to move on to the next step in the psychedelic revolution. We've reached a certain point, but we're not moving any more.
Ken Kesey |
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coSmiIic r080t0n3
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
72
Posts :
2340
Posted : Apr 2, 2007 11:53
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A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
"Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
- - - - - - - -
It's time to move on to the next step in the psychedelic revolution. We've reached a certain point, but we're not moving any more.
Ken Kesey |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Apr 5, 2007 10:41
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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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jabba
Started Topics :
9
Posts :
662
Posted : Apr 5, 2007 13:55
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A 75 year old lady is brought to the court for shooting a young guy , she explains
Your honour, I am 75 years old. So here I am, sitting there on my porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me. He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honour. So I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honour. Why, Your Honour, I haven't felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!" That's when he yelled, "April Fool" and that's when I shot the Fucking Son of a Bitch!!
To focus sometimes you need to spin hard on your soul's axis..... just don't ask how and what it means ;) |
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jabba
Started Topics :
9
Posts :
662
Posted : Apr 5, 2007 14:03
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This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears thumping coming from his parents bedroom. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I wake up and hear you and Daddy making noises and when I look into your room your bouncing up and down on him."
His mother replies with, "Oh,..well...ah...well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that squishes his belly down and makes him thin again.."
The boy replies, "Duh, mom, that won't work because the lady next door just comes over every day and blows him back up.
To focus sometimes you need to spin hard on your soul's axis..... just don't ask how and what it means ;) |
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jabba
Started Topics :
9
Posts :
662
Posted : Apr 5, 2007 14:48
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An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy paused... then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"
To focus sometimes you need to spin hard on your soul's axis..... just don't ask how and what it means ;) |
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Anak
Anakoluth
Started Topics :
108
Posts :
2395
Posted : Apr 5, 2007 15:01
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Quote:
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On 2007-04-05 14:48, jabba wrote:
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy paused... then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"
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good one!
Anakoluth A Pebble in Your Eardrum's Shoe since 2001!
http://www.myspace.com/anakoluth
http://www.ektoplazm.com/profiles/anakoluth/
http://cronomi.com |
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Forest dreams
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
107
Posts :
9697
Posted : Apr 14, 2007 11:26
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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he
saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so
glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced
me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat
just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday.
I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he
would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after
Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's
hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I
decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou
Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn
in Hell, right ?"
Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left my hat."
Nothing is said that has not been said before. |
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coSmiIic r080t0n3
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
72
Posts :
2340
Posted : Apr 14, 2007 16:00
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hehehehe ..... 
- - - - - - - -
It's time to move on to the next step in the psychedelic revolution. We've reached a certain point, but we're not moving any more.
Ken Kesey |
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wandering soundwave
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
23
Posts :
501
Posted : May 1, 2007 09:47
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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
peace
love n' light
( (( ( ((( ( (( boOm )) ) ))) ) )) ) |
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Anak
Anakoluth
Started Topics :
108
Posts :
2395
Posted : May 2, 2007 23:31
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A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your low-income asses in the train, cause we are going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "all passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She then hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOURS delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
..........
This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."
Doctor:"Well, sir, I do have some bad news."
Again the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"
Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."
The guy slumps, just crushed.
Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."
The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.
Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."
By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.
The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just fucking with you, she's dead." Anakoluth A Pebble in Your Eardrum's Shoe since 2001!
http://www.myspace.com/anakoluth
http://www.ektoplazm.com/profiles/anakoluth/
http://cronomi.com |
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Anak
Anakoluth
Started Topics :
108
Posts :
2395
Posted : May 3, 2007 00:45
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A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the
doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the
couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered."
But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me
for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best
perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for
her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
Anakoluth A Pebble in Your Eardrum's Shoe since 2001!
http://www.myspace.com/anakoluth
http://www.ektoplazm.com/profiles/anakoluth/
http://cronomi.com |
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