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Official Jokes Thread
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DropOut
Started Topics :
8
Posts :
673
Posted : Apr 1, 2006 19:58
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Quote:
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On 2006-03-13 20:42, Forest dreams wrote:
Two women, who had been friends for years, decided to go for a Girls Night Out and were decidedly over -- enthusiastic on the margaritas.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom.
They were very near a cemetery and one of them suggested they "whiz" behind a headstone.
The first woman had nothing to dry herself with, so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend,
however,was wearing rather expensive underwear and did not want to ruin hers. She was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. She dried herself with the ribbon.
After finishing, they then made off for home.
The next day, the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girls night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing, " said the other husband, "mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that said:
" FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION. WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU".......
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cracked me up muhahaha  |
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sure_smoke_alot
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
45
Posts :
6874
Posted : Apr 2, 2006 20:23
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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a
little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed
both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
 the problem with valuing art is, till u dont understand it, it's worthless but wen u do understand it, it's priceless!! |
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sure_smoke_alot
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
45
Posts :
6874
Posted : Apr 2, 2006 20:24
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A Love letter
A Husband's letter to his wife:
Dear Sweetheart:
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my
sweetheart
Your husband
============================================================
His Clever wife replied back after some days to her husband:
Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses
instead of the rent.
4 . Other expenses 40 kisses
Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I
hope I can complete the month using this balance.
Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!!!
Your Sweet Heart
the problem with valuing art is, till u dont understand it, it's worthless but wen u do understand it, it's priceless!! |
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sure_smoke_alot
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
45
Posts :
6874
Posted : Apr 2, 2006 20:31
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Dear Tech Support Team:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 toWife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes
that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition,Wife 1.0installed itself into all other programs and now
moni! tors all other system activities.
Applications such asBachelorNights 10.3,Cricket 5.0,BeerWithBuddies
7.5, andOutings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back toGirlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall'
doesn't work onWife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,!
"A Troubled User"
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade fromGirlfriend 5.0 toWife 1.0, thinking that it
is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to
run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return toGirlfriend
5.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the
system once installed.
You cannot go back toGirlfriend 5.0 becauseWife 1.0 is designed not
to allow this. (Look in
yourWife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support) .
I recommend that you keepWife1.0 and work on improving the
environment.
I suggest insta! lling the background application "Yes Dear" to
alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the commandC:\APOLOGIZE
because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the
system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high
maintenance.! Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean
2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 andDoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful
how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch
the program NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to
improve the performance ofWife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I
recommend Sarees 2.1 andJewellery 5.0
WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0
and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
the problem with valuing art is, till u dont understand it, it's worthless but wen u do understand it, it's priceless!! |
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RA-VEda
Started Topics :
1
Posts :
68
Posted : Apr 4, 2006 16:53
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@sure_smoke_alot...
Hehehe.. absolutely brilliant!! The best one till now.. 
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lokus
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
12
Posts :
684
Posted : Apr 5, 2006 09:10
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Quote:
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On 2006-04-02 20:31, sure_smoke_alot wrote:
Dear Tech Support Team:
... I suggest insta! lling the background application "Yes Dear" to
alleviate software augmentation... |
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hahaha ecellent one 
- last possible solution
- trick music
- ambivalent records
myspace.com/lokuz
ps: y trance?
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shithappens
Started Topics :
7
Posts :
32
Posted : Apr 5, 2006 10:16
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heres a god one
a poor man and a rich man are pissing in an public toilet. the rich man notices that the poor man has an huge dick when compared to his. he askes the poor man what did he do to get one so big.
poor man " nothing, the thing is when i was small my parents where very poor so i never got any toys to play with "
SeX N drUgs N rOck N RaVe,
leTs G eT SmasHeD & MiSbeHaVe
On spEEd N wEEd N LiTTle Es,
lEts GeT fuCked N tAlk to trEEs.
lIfeS A tRip & tHen U DiE,
So fuCk tHem All & lEts GeT hIgh. |
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sure_smoke_alot
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
45
Posts :
6874
Posted : Apr 5, 2006 12:15
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Quote:
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On 2006-04-05 10:16, shithappens wrote:
heres a god one
a poor man and a rich man are pissing in an public toilet. the rich man notices that the poor man has an huge dick when compared to his. he askes the poor man what did he do to get one so big.
poor man " nothing, the thing is when i was small my parents where very poor so i never got any toys to play with "
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the problem with valuing art is, till u dont understand it, it's worthless but wen u do understand it, it's priceless!! |
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boomshanthi
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
34
Posts :
510
Posted : Apr 5, 2006 21:32
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A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home. On the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled. The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!" The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"
We meditate upon the Spiritual Effulgence of That Adorable Supreme Divine Reality, the Source of the Physical, the Astral, and the Heavenly Spheres of Existence. May That Supreme Divine Being enlighten our Intellect So we may realise the Supreme Truth. |
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exotic
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
200
Posts :
5057
Posted : Apr 6, 2006 09:11
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The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and surprisingly, it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S WINNING ASS.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. The pastor informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day
The headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
Have a nice day!
missing plug-in |
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Forest dreams
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
107
Posts :
9697
Posted : Apr 9, 2006 20:43
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A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon". Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire." And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!" The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
Nothing is said that has not been said before. |
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boomshanthi
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
34
Posts :
510
Posted : Apr 11, 2006 05:20
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A stoner walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
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| Cheese Sandwich .............. $1.50|
| Chicken Sandwich ............. $2.50|
| Hand Job .................... $10.00|
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Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager looking group of men.
"Yes?" she asks with a knowing smile, "May I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
We meditate upon the Spiritual Effulgence of That Adorable Supreme Divine Reality, the Source of the Physical, the Astral, and the Heavenly Spheres of Existence. May That Supreme Divine Being enlighten our Intellect So we may realise the Supreme Truth. |
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boomshanthi
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
34
Posts :
510
Posted : Apr 11, 2006 05:23
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A crackhead is walking down the street, and stumbles over something. He looks down, to see a shotgun by his feet. The crackhead gets all excited about this, and thinks "Allright! A shotgun! Now I can go rob a liquor store and buy some more crack!" So, the crackhead commits his robbery, gets more crack, and discards the weapon back where he found it.
A little later, a pothead is walking down the same street, and stumbles over the same gun. The pothead gets all excited about this, and thinks "Duuuude. I could make a bong out of the barrel!"
We meditate upon the Spiritual Effulgence of That Adorable Supreme Divine Reality, the Source of the Physical, the Astral, and the Heavenly Spheres of Existence. May That Supreme Divine Being enlighten our Intellect So we may realise the Supreme Truth. |
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boomshanthi
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
34
Posts :
510
Posted : Apr 11, 2006 05:28
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A stoner called the fire department and said, "Come quick my house is on fire!" The Fireman asked "How do we get there?"
The stoner says "DUH, the big red truck!"
We meditate upon the Spiritual Effulgence of That Adorable Supreme Divine Reality, the Source of the Physical, the Astral, and the Heavenly Spheres of Existence. May That Supreme Divine Being enlighten our Intellect So we may realise the Supreme Truth. |
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Pt.
IsraTrance Senior Member
Started Topics :
236
Posts :
6106
Posted : Apr 15, 2006 13:32
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 .. duh, the big red truck
DR. DAVE.....
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go… "
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:......
"Dave.............
..............you're a vet".
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