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Official Jokes Thread
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robomarket
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
35
Posts :
970
Posted : Mar 7, 2006 23:37
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[quote]
On 2006-01-28 20:30, dmt_in_vagator wrote:
Quote:
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On 2006-01-10 09:16, =((exotic>>>=== wrote:
Michael Jackson announces that he is a proud father of a baby boy. He asks the doctor how soon after birth could he have sex. The doctor tells him he should wait until the kid is atleast 12 or 13 years old.
Q> What do michael jackson and shool principals have in common ?
A> Both are a pain in the arse to kids
Q>How does michael jackson pick his nose ?
A> He looks for one in a catalogue
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What name did Michael Jackson pick to protect himself from all the controversy?
-Michael Dickinson. That is DickInSon! |
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Forest dreams
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
107
Posts :
9697
Posted : Mar 13, 2006 20:42
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Two women, who had been friends for years, decided to go for a Girls Night Out and were decidedly over -- enthusiastic on the margaritas.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom.
They were very near a cemetery and one of them suggested they "whiz" behind a headstone.
The first woman had nothing to dry herself with, so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend,
however,was wearing rather expensive underwear and did not want to ruin hers. She was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. She dried herself with the ribbon.
After finishing, they then made off for home.
The next day, the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girls night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing, " said the other husband, "mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that said:
" FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION. WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU".......
 Nothing is said that has not been said before. |
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orange
Fat Data
Started Topics :
154
Posts :
3918
Posted : Mar 13, 2006 21:05
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there is a blonde chick calling her husband at work and shes crying like crazy!
hasbund answers tha phone hears his blonde wife crying and asks why !!
blond chick answers with tears in her voice that she cant make the jigsaw puzzle!
husband frustrated about the stupid question asks her what is the jigsaws picture! wife sais a rooster on a fence!husband sais to her to close the phone and wait for him to come from work!
2 hours later wife calls again now even more frustrated and crying asks her husband how to finish the jigsaw puzzle again!
husband very ungry sais to her to close the phone wait for him and stop disturbing him at work!
finnaly husband came home and saw hes wife crying and moaning!
asks her where is the jigsaw and she sais in the kitchen table!
husband goes to the kitchen to see !
shortly after he comes back and sais to his blonde wife!
go to the kitchen pick up the kellogs kornflakes and come to bed before i do something i will regret !!!
orange
http://www.landmark-recordings.com/
http://soundcloud.com/kymamusic |
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14-year old e-tard
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
11
Posts :
797
Posted : Mar 16, 2006 18:12
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A bear, a lion and a chicken are having a conversation...
Bear says "I'm the scariest of all creatures, all I have to do is roar and the whole forest trembles"
Lion says "Thats not right, I'm the scariest of all creatures, all I have to do is roar and the whole jungle cowers in terror"
Chicken says "your both wrong, I'm the scariest of all creatures........all I have to do is sneeze and the whole fucking world shits itself"
Me>You |
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Kruppy
Started Topics :
3
Posts :
7
Posted : Mar 17, 2006 12:01
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What did the blind, deaf, dumb, paraplegic get for Christmas?..................................
Cancer!!! |
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DiMiTry
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
70
Posts :
2299
Posted : Mar 17, 2006 23:29
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Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,
"I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin,
"How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!", the waitress exclaims, "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a year! ''
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers...
"It's pronounced 'quiche'."
..it's just another party.. |
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Forest dreams
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
107
Posts :
9697
Posted : Mar 17, 2006 23:51
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Nothing is said that has not been said before. |
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headyatail2000
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
27
Posts :
2304
Posted : Mar 24, 2006 22:05
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Conversation between Condolezza Rice and George Bush...
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
---
source - smartass
<~< "the best things in life aren't things" - art buchwald >~> |
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headyatail2000
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
27
Posts :
2304
Posted : Mar 24, 2006 22:08
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Complete the following -
When you inhale, you inspire. When you exhale......you expire.
H2O is....hot water.
CO2 is....cold water.
Water is composed of.....two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
Blood flows down through one.....leg and up the other.
Respiration is composed of.....two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
The moon is a.....planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
Artifical insemination is.....when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
Dew is formed on leaves when......the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
A super saturated solution is......one that holds more then is can hold.
Mushrooms always grow in......damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is.......its only protections against insects.
The alimentary canal is located in.....the northern part of Indiana.
The skeleton is what is left after.....the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off.
A permanent set of teeth consists of......eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
The tides are......a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.
A fossil is......an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
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source - bianca
<~< "the best things in life aren't things" - art buchwald >~> |
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Forest dreams
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
107
Posts :
9697
Posted : Mar 29, 2006 14:40
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CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY.
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, she had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man about what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming'
and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, '"Logan's Liniment
will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'...
I just lost it."
The case was dismissed
Nothing is said that has not been said before. |
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sure_smoke_alot
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
45
Posts :
6874
Posted : Mar 30, 2006 09:44
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Quote:
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On 2006-03-29 14:40, Forest dreams wrote:
CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY.
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, she had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man about what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming'
and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, '"Logan's Liniment
will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'...
I just lost it."
The case was dismissed
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the problem with valuing art is, till u dont understand it, it's worthless but wen u do understand it, it's priceless!! |
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orange
Fat Data
Started Topics :
154
Posts :
3918
Posted : Mar 30, 2006 14:58
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Quote:
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On 2006-03-30 09:44, sure_smoke_alot wrote:
Quote:
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On 2006-03-29 14:40, Forest dreams wrote:
CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY.
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, she had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man about what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming'
and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, '"Logan's Liniment
will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'...
I just lost it."
The case was dismissed
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!!
orange
http://www.landmark-recordings.com/
http://soundcloud.com/kymamusic |
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Psy_mystic
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
15
Posts :
448
Posted : Mar 31, 2006 13:35
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lol
nice one smokealot!
"Detox is for queers" |
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exotic
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
200
Posts :
5057
Posted : Mar 31, 2006 13:40
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hmm .. i thought that was forests joke ?? anyway great one !!
missing plug-in |
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sure_smoke_alot
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
45
Posts :
6874
Posted : Apr 1, 2006 08:37
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@ psy_mystic
it's forests joke
look closely 
the problem with valuing art is, till u dont understand it, it's worthless but wen u do understand it, it's priceless!! |
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