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Official Jokes Thread
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Forest dreams
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
107
Posts :
9697
Posted : Dec 31, 2005 10:11
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating sweets. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and yells:
"Come on Dick, we're leaving!"
  Nothing is said that has not been said before. |
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exotic
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
200
Posts :
5057
Posted : Dec 31, 2005 14:57
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^^ hehe
A blonde rented her first porno . She immediately got back home , put on some sexy lingere , got out the best incense sticks , lit some aromatic candles , dimmed the lights , and stuck the tape into the player . But the television screen showed nothing except static . Totally disappointed she went back to the video rental store and demanded an explanation for the goof up . The store owner was completely confident that he hadnt tricked her .
" What does it say on the cover " , the store owner questioned.
The blonde replied , "Head Cleaner ".
missing plug-in |
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Forest dreams
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
107
Posts :
9697
Posted : Jan 7, 2006 20:00
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A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
Nothing is said that has not been said before. |
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headyatail2000
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
27
Posts :
2304
Posted : Jan 8, 2006 01:57
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nice ones, forest and exotic..!
<~< "the best things in life aren't things" - art buchwald >~> |
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wandering soundwave
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
23
Posts :
501
Posted : Jan 8, 2006 23:24
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BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in! one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the
day time when we don't need it".
Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I
be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the
disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted
doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
peace
love n' light
( (( ( ((( ( (( boOm )) ) ))) ) )) ) |
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jabba
Started Topics :
9
Posts :
662
Posted : Jan 9, 2006 10:59
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A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items.
She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."
To focus sometimes you need to spin hard on your soul's axis..... just don't ask how and what it means ;) |
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exotic
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
200
Posts :
5057
Posted : Jan 10, 2006 09:16
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Michael Jackson announces that he is a proud father of a baby boy. He asks the doctor how soon after birth could he have sex. The doctor tells him he should wait until the kid is atleast 12 or 13 years old.
Q> What do michael jackson and shool principals have in common ?
A> Both are a pain in the arse to kids
Q>How does michael jackson pick his nose ?
A> He looks for one in a catalogue
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Forest dreams
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
107
Posts :
9697
Posted : Jan 10, 2006 16:49
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Q: What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
The Latest News - Today some scientists in the India revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 420 bottles of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive !
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
Nothing is said that has not been said before. |
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jabba
Started Topics :
9
Posts :
662
Posted : Jan 15, 2006 16:16
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An 80-year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
To focus sometimes you need to spin hard on your soul's axis..... just don't ask how and what it means ;) |
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Roman Brisker
Elec3
Started Topics :
1
Posts :
157
Posted : Jan 15, 2006 19:29
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headyatail2000
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
27
Posts :
2304
Posted : Jan 16, 2006 01:19
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goodone jabba!!!!!
<~< "the best things in life aren't things" - art buchwald >~> |
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jabba
Started Topics :
9
Posts :
662
Posted : Jan 16, 2006 11:21
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A guy's eating in a restaurant and spots a gorgeous woman sitting all alone. He calls over his waiter and says, "Send that woman a bottle of your most expensive champagne, on me." The waiter quickly brings the champagne over to the woman, and says, "Ma'am, this is from the gentleman over there." She says to the waiter, "Please tell him that for me to accept this champagne, he better have a Mercedes in his garage, a million dollars in the bank, and eight inches in his pants." The waiter delivers the message, and the guy says, "Please go back and tell her I have two Mercedes in my garage, three million dollars in the bank, but I haven't even met her...so why the fcuk would I cut off four inches?"
To focus sometimes you need to spin hard on your soul's axis..... just don't ask how and what it means ;) |
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exotic
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
200
Posts :
5057
Posted : Jan 17, 2006 17:18
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^^ lol .. ive heard that before somewhere !!
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jyoty
Started Topics :
4
Posts :
108
Posted : Jan 19, 2006 07:01
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a man walks into a whore house and asks for a lady for the night.... the madam walks into the back to see who's available but all the whores are out for the evening. she quickly finds an inflatable doll and brings it to the man.
the next day he comes back and says, 'i want my money back'....she asks 'why, what happened?' and the guy says,
" I bit her tit, she farted, and flew out the window !! "
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Forest dreams
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
107
Posts :
9697
Posted : Jan 27, 2006 12:04
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Reasons to do heroin
Rapid weight loss.
Forces you to be a better thief.
Cuts down on dental bills.
Allows you to consider bugs as food.
Minimizes housing expectations. Fridge box makes a fine house.
Makes you hands-down winner in any blow job competition.
Gets you where you want to be, if you want to be "quick and scrappy."
Children's books
1. Colorful tasty things in the medicine cabinet.
2. Candy from strangers is tasty
3. If Grandma can poop in bed, so can I
4. Santa is an alcoholic like your father
5. Making mistakes means you’re stupid
6. Staircase tricycle stunts
7. Nothing is poisonous if you drink enough
8. Daddy left mommy and it’s your fault
9. Bad grades are cool
10. Why won’t grandma wake up
11. Things that fit around your neck
12. Bob the Builder loses a hand and Workers Comp. fucks him over.
13. Your penis makes you a bad person
14. None of those men are your uncles
15. The Mailman is your REAL father
16. Horton gets captured and dragged around the Midwest in a 3rd rate circus, escapes, angrily tramples the crowd and is shot dead through the eye by local police.
17. Animals scream before they’re food
18. If at first you don’t succeed, give up and cry a lot until someone does it for you.
19. What fits in the electrical outlet
20. Cigarette lighter games
21 That's It, I don't love you!
22 Glue smells good
23 How to steal
24 The world is unsafe
25 You're going back to the adoption agency
26 I love your sister more than you
27 Puppy bit me, now he's in Hell
28 Crippled people are losers
29 Hit people you hate with rocks
30 Things to shout in church
31 Daddy drinks when you cry
32 Hitting makes things better .
Nothing is said that has not been said before. |
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