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Official Jokes Thread
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Wandering High
Started Topics :
0
Posts :
177
Posted : Dec 10, 2005 14:06
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@ juice........shut up 'man' .... |
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Wandering High
Started Topics :
0
Posts :
177
Posted : Dec 10, 2005 14:17
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Dec 12, 2005 15:05
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversatio
n and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over,so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
 Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Dec 12, 2005 15:07
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this was a good one.....mch improved performance by u........
PLUR
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Dec 12, 2005 16:01
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Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!". Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there.".
Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!".
So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him,
"Do you always run in the nude?".
Ralph answered, while gasping for air,
"Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.".
Then another runner asked,
"Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?".
Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home.".
Then another runner asked,
"Do you always wear a condom when you run?".
Ralph answered, "Only when it rains.".
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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Wandering High
Started Topics :
0
Posts :
177
Posted : Dec 12, 2005 20:33
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"much improved performance by you" hehehee....wat is this..a contest?
anyway....peace juice baba.....
ps: the 1st one was killer as well.....i laughed my guts out wen he told it to me...... |
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full_on
IsraTrance Team
Started Topics :
279
Posts :
5475
Posted : Dec 13, 2005 05:38
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You last one was great, juice, give us more! 
Respect!
.
...Be gentle with the earth...
...Dance like nobody's watching...
.
...I don't mind not going to Heaven, as long as they've got Coffee in Hell... |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Dec 13, 2005 10:24
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A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.
"Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the bartender.
"Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!"
"Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house."
So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it down.
"If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"
"I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"
"Good for you! You said the right thing.
So what did you say to your best friend?"
"Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said...
...BAD DOG!"
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Dec 23, 2005 14:29
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A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc". "Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day". "Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work".
"Oh I see", said the doc. "No, hang on", said the man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No no no", he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie".
"Now I understand", said the patient doctor. "No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack".
Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..". "No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards".
"What's your problem?". asked the doc. "Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate"
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Dec 23, 2005 14:33
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Ø When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't
talk for a year and a half.
Ø Join the army, see the world, meet interesting
people, and kill them.
Ø Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut
Up.'
Ø I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be
there when it happens.
Ø Always and never are two words you should
always remember never to use.
Ø I've never been drunk, but often I've been
over served.
Ø The road to success is always under
construction.
Ø I say no to drugs -- they just don't listen!
Ø Marriage is one of the chief causes of
divorce.
Ø Work is fine if it doesn't take up too much of
your time.
Ø When everything's coming your way, you're in
the wrong lane.
Ø Born free; Taxed to death.
Ø Everyone has a photographic memory; some
people just don't have film.
Ø Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
Ø Smile -- it makes people wonder what you're up
to.
Ø I love being a writer... what I can't stand is
the paperwork.
Ø A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case,
the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Ø The hardest part of skating is the ice.
Ø The guy who invented the first wheel was an
idiot; the guy who invented the other three, he was
the genius.
Ø The trouble with being punc tual is that
there's no one there to appreciate it.
Ø If our constitution allows us free speech, why
are there phone bills?
Ø If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars
in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell
him a park bench has just been painted, he has to
touch it to be sure.
Ø Beat the 5 O'clock rush: leave work at noon!
Ø If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Ø It's not the fall that kills you; it's the
sudden stop at the end.
Ø I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder.
Ø Hot glass looks same as cold glass. (Cunino's
Law of Burnt Fingers)
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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CLAW
CLAW
Started Topics :
117
Posts :
2738
Posted : Dec 24, 2005 21:33
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The President of the United States of America, George W. Bush had a
heart attack and died.
He went to hell where the devil was waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list
but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so
I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who
weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was former President Richard
Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing
gasping for air, then immediately diving back into the water again
over and over and over, such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I
don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil let him to the next room. In it was British Prime Minister
Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did
was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No way, I've got this problem with my shoulder. It would be
constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented
George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw former President
Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his
head and his legs in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for awhile and finally said,
"Yeah I could handle this."
The devil smiled and said . . . "Monica, you're free to go!"
• Noize Conspiracy Records •
http://soundcloud.com/c-l-a-w
https://www.facebook.com/CLAW.cy |
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exotic
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
200
Posts :
5057
Posted : Dec 25, 2005 12:33
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headyatail2000
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
27
Posts :
2304
Posted : Dec 26, 2005 23:14
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good one claw
<~< "the best things in life aren't things" - art buchwald >~> |
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Psy_mystic
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
15
Posts :
448
Posted : Dec 27, 2005 19:06
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hahahaha
nice one !!!
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alienatedBuddha
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
10
Posts :
121
Posted : Dec 28, 2005 13:10
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hahaha...chp nice one bud
These are small paper squares, quarter of an inch from a side, and the've been impregnated with LSD'
'LSD doesn't fry your brain, it expands the mind. |
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