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Official Jokes Thread
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blueOrb
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
100
Posts :
1698
Posted : Nov 10, 2005 12:58
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CRX(HSS Records)
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
97
Posts :
2707
Posted : Nov 10, 2005 19:43
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Quote:
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On 2005-11-10 12:58, blueOrb wrote:
shitty joke but dont blame me, blame the guy who sent me this email 
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the baby oil line was elite 
  Helicon Sounds Music
www.hssr.gr |
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psybearia
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
17
Posts :
195
Posted : Nov 11, 2005 01:15
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@ blueOrb
another one for you
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?
If Pac-Man affected us as kids,we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music .. |
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Forest dreams
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
107
Posts :
9697
Posted : Nov 11, 2005 06:41
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here area few more,...!
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw
a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If people evolved from apes, Why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
Why is it that whenever you find something it's always in the last
place you look?
Why is it that when you are in a hurry at the drivethru at the bank,
the car in front of you is trying to finance a corporate takeover?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, Why do we say, "It's all
right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why do we park in the driveway but drive on the parkway?
Why are there 10 hotdogs in a pack but only 8 buns?
Why do all campaign commercials sound alike with the candidate's name being the only thing that changes?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
--Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
--I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
--There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
--If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
--A computer is almost human - except that it does not blame its mistakes on another
computer.
--I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
--Schizophrenia beats being alone!
--A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
--As I said before, I never repeat myself.
--How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
--Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
--A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears
dark glasses to avoid being recognised.
--Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
--All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
--I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
--The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
--To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
--Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
--I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
--A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
--A disbelief in God does not result in a belief in nothing;
disbelief in God usually results in a belief in anything.
--A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
--I had amnesia once - maybe twice.
--Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
--Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
--A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
--Here I am! What are your other two wishes?
--A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
--Is there another word for synonym?
--Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career
--90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.
--Half the people in the world are below average.
--A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group
decide that nothing can be done.
--Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
--Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
--The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
--The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
--I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Nothing is said that has not been said before. |
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Tom Burn
Started Topics :
0
Posts :
80
Posted : Nov 26, 2005 23:19
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why man thinking more and women speaking more????
man got 2 heads and women 4 lips
blow your tits with nitro |
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praxxx
Started Topics :
2
Posts :
34
Posted : Nov 27, 2005 00:53
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These are actual ads on a matrimony site. Grammar and spell errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart!
Disclaimer : I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this mail...
- Hello To Viewvers My Name is Somesha , I am single i dont have Famale, If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls viset my resident or send u letter.. Thanks yours Regards Somesha ~*~
i want very simple girl. from brahmin educated family from orissa state he is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework
(Homework?)
Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. She may never create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you
(The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)
She should be good looking and should have a service. She Shoulsd have one brother and one sister. She should be educated.
(ain't it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)
I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamgirl who will love me more than i. Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on ........ hold my hand forever !!!
(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)
i am simple boy.I have lot ofproblemin mylife because ofmylucknow i amlooking onegirlshe caremeandloveme lot lot lot
(I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)
My wife should be as 'Parwati' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tulsi as in KSBKBT......
(Ok I haven't seen these soaps but I am sure he must be demanding too much, ain't he?)
i want a girl with no drinks if she wants she can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house she should give recpect to our cast
(by not wearing her jeans? ahem...)
HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GUY,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A GIRL ,THEY ARE 1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.
(all of us are loughing)
whatever she may be but she should feel that she is going to be someone bride and she must think of the future life if she is toolike this she would bde called the lady of the lamp
(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this guy wants)
i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and i love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok
(I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from "Ok-syndrome")
HI IAM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE T.V AND NEWS OK I HAVE 1 CAR AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK
(the "ok syndrome" again)
iam pradip my family histoy my two brother two sister and fater&mother sister complity marred
(somebody please explain in comments section how to get married 'completely'?)
iam very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and parent. i am doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist.
(actually what is this guy doing? Postal service or tailor.??)
my name is farhan and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes
(height of desperation! J )
Iwant one girl who love me or my mother. she love me heartly or she havea frank she's skin colour 'normal'not a black or not a whitey. IThink the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful. but iam not a handsome person or not a good looking. but my Mom say that Iam a good person. My father already expired . iam ''AEKLAUTA''. THE CHOICE IS YOUR. bye bye.
(uttam purush)
iam kanan. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was married.
(No comments)
I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON'T HAVE ANY HABIT.
(maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)
hello i am a good charactarised man. i want to run my life happily.i divorced my first wife.her charactor is not good'. i expect the good minded and clean habits girl who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted ...
(but credit cards not accepted..???)
my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service
(Zebra..???)
i'm looking out for who lives in bombay, girl simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY.
(Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)
to be married on jan-2005. working woman perferable
(this guy has fixed the marriage date too! But he is yet to find a bride. I wish him best luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure he will get one soon.)
i would like a beautyfull girl. and i do not want her any treasure. because girl is the mahalakshmi.
(Now she is going to be a lucky girl! Any takers?)
ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not paying salary at present.
(Any takers again?)  |
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Psy_mystic
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
15
Posts :
448
Posted : Nov 27, 2005 16:49
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Quote:
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--A computer is almost human - except that it does not blame its mistakes on another
computer.
A disbelief in God does not result in a belief in nothing;
disbelief in God usually results in a belief in anything.
--A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group
decide that nothing can be done.
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hehehehe
"Detox is for queers" |
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uvego
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
14
Posts :
432
Posted : Nov 27, 2005 18:32
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a boy is coming home after long night and he telling to his father:
boy - daddy, i have had a first sex experience tonight
father - ok, come here sit down and tell me how it was
boy - yes daddy, but i cant sit
_____________________
_____________________ |
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TrancEisT
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
127
Posts :
494
Posted : Nov 27, 2005 18:38
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Quote:
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On 2005-11-27 18:32, uvego wrote:
a boy is coming home after long night and he telling to his father:
boy - daddy, i have had a first sex experience tonight
father - ok, come here sit down and tell me how it was
boy - yes daddy, but i cant sit
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I like Trance, so i am called The TrancEisT. but hey... what about people who like Rap? what are they called? |
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svejk
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
13
Posts :
167
Posted : Nov 29, 2005 12:48
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FACTS about Chuck Norris.
+ Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.
+ Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
+ Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
+ Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
+ Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
+ To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked
15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
+ Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first
45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
+ Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
+ There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
+ Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
+ Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris
+ The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
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Forest dreams
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
107
Posts :
9697
Posted : Nov 29, 2005 18:28
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Assume in each case there is a beautiful desert island in the middle of
the ocean where the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman
One month later on this absolutely stunning desert island in the middle
of nowhere, the following has occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
"menage a trois."
The two English men have a strict weekly schedule of when they copulate
with the English woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look
at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
The Irish began by dividing up their island into Northern Island and
Southern Island and then set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex
is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few
pints of coconut whiskey, but at least the English are not getting any.
The two American men are considering suicide while the American woman
keeps on talking about her body being her own, the true nature of
feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity
of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last
boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her
relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low
and it is not raining.
FINALLY...
The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to
the Indian woman.... 
Nothing is said that has not been said before. |
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headyatail2000
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
27
Posts :
2304
Posted : Nov 29, 2005 23:17
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nice ones svejk!!
<~< "the best things in life aren't things" - art buchwald >~> |
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juice
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
59
Posts :
2081
Posted : Nov 30, 2005 08:51
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Morris goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my young wife
has
turned into a real bad woman. Every evening, she goes to Larry's
bar
and picks up men. She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm
going crazy, Doc! What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm
down.
Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
Studies indicate that listening to music is good for digestion. |
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PlutoDelic
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
12
Posts :
244
Posted : Dec 1, 2005 01:12
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why do blonds have BLUE EYES
(just water inside)
PSYKS |
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Forest dreams
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
107
Posts :
9697
Posted : Dec 1, 2005 06:23
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Top 10 Funny Store Signs
1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."
4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"
5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don''t you will be."
6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
7.In a restaurant window: "Don''t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we''ll wait."
10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
Nothing is said that has not been said before. |
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