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Official Jokes Thread
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IndiAlien
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
28
Posts :
1224
Posted : Mar 29, 2005 23:23
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oooo too good!!!
keep em coming guys 
love n light
q(@ _ @)p
  there is a light that
flashes |
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Narcosis
Narcosis
Started Topics :
45
Posts :
618
Posted : Mar 30, 2005 08:30
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Quote:
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On 2005-03-01 23:01, CRX wrote:
and a frosty one
why little helen can't see well?
.....
cause she has short sight
and why she doesn't wear glasses?
........
cause she has no ears
respect,
CRX,athens
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hahaha.eyes not ears. do not burn ur self friend with this. xaxa xou xou 
Trance Sound As A Medium Towards Mystical Experience... |
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Narcosis
Narcosis
Started Topics :
45
Posts :
618
Posted : Mar 30, 2005 08:31
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Quote:
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On 2005-03-30 08:30, Narcosis wrote:
Quote:
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On 2005-03-01 23:01, CRX wrote:
and a frosty one
why little helen can't see well?
.....
cause she has short sight
and why she doesn't wear glasses?
........
cause she has no ears
respect,
CRX,athens
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hahaha.eyes not ears. do not burn ur self friend with this. xaxa xou xou
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oups... im wrong. haha. i burn my self. haha
Trance Sound As A Medium Towards Mystical Experience... |
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DeathPosture
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
142
Posts :
547
Posted : Apr 5, 2005 20:21
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Ancient Chinese Torture
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read:
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
On really romantic evenings of self, I go salsa dancing with my confusion... |
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jabba
Started Topics :
9
Posts :
662
Posted : Apr 7, 2005 10:27
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Daimn the chinese torture  nice one
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for?' Tarzan replied, 'Always check for squirrels.'  |
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jabba
Started Topics :
9
Posts :
662
Posted : Apr 7, 2005 10:45
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Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."
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headyatail2000
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
27
Posts :
2304
Posted : Apr 8, 2005 15:07
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dunno if any1 else posted this one:
REspect Due > Ani
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.
The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded
friend."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have
another joint.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going
to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over
and falls in.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him
to the side.
He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree,
smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his
mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a
drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out.
He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is
sitting, finishing a joint.
He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!"
The monkey looks down and says "FUUUUUCK, DUDE....... how much water
did you drink?"
<~< "the best things in life aren't things" - art buchwald >~> |
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Jeto
Jeto
Started Topics :
258
Posts :
3252
Posted : Apr 18, 2005 02:55
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Mr G
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
16
Posts :
69
Posted : Apr 23, 2005 20:00
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A penguins driving through the nevada desert.."its far too hot for me he says..i should be in a mcuh cooler climate than this..I need somehere to chillout & cool down."
At this, he see's a garage in the near distance.
Pulling up to the garage,loads of steam starts coming out of his engine.."oh no, how bad can it get for one little penguin..I'm not only stuck in the Nevada desert, but now I've got engine failure!..Doh..silly penguin, I'll give the car to the mechanic to look at & while I'm out the back, he can tell me what's wrong with it!"
He does just that..then opens the doors to the back room..& wow..he's in penguin heaven..it's an American ice-cream parlour.
He gets himself the largest vanilla ice cream that he can get his little wings around.
The sun beats through the window, causing the ice cream to melt all over his wings & mouth..but he's happy
At that precise moment, the mechanic walks in & says "mate, it looks like you've blown a seal"
In horror, the penguin wipes his mouth & says "no..no..it's only vanilla ice cream !!! |
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phobium
Phobium
Started Topics :
14
Posts :
718
Posted : Apr 23, 2005 20:14
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Mr G
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
16
Posts :
69
Posted : Apr 23, 2005 20:22
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Hey anyway of pasting this on the official joke site... very long winded writing it out again...glad you liked it though |
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Mr G
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
16
Posts :
69
Posted : Apr 24, 2005 13:36
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thanks Phobium |
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jabba
Started Topics :
9
Posts :
662
Posted : Apr 27, 2005 12:21
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Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months." |
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Kemic-Al
Kemic-Al
Started Topics :
12
Posts :
483
Posted : Oct 23, 2005 17:31
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A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke Without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. after more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have fun when you're not there." Then she asked,"Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad, apparently he had the time of his life.
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sorceress
IsraTrance Junior Member
Started Topics :
16
Posts :
833
Posted : Oct 24, 2005 17:23
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A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat". They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.
Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat". He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.
When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "Fuck off!"
So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat".
The Barman was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?".
The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish".
"What did you wish for?" said the Barman.
"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"
Dont thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously use your intelligence
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Protons and Proteins |
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