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2009-2010 NBA League summary thread
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Kaz
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
90
Posts :
2268
Posted : Apr 9, 2010 20:50:00
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I'll tell you how the NBA sucked this season, in ten points.
10) Managers are monkeys.
Not the cool monkeys that hang out with pirates, but the ones that should be locked in cages because it should be harder for them to fling feces at the crowd. So many teams suck so bad for the only reason that the people running them are too busy buying Ferraris made of platinum plated titanium, grinding them to a fine powder and then snorting them instead of cocaine which they think isn't expensive or damaging their brain enough. New Jersey threw this year away to bring LeBron and ended up being one of the the absolute worst (yet missed out on the all-time worst team record and now their season has no point) and now he'll never play there. Same with New York and the Clippers, since those are the only places he'll get more money from advertising. You know what would get LeBron advertising money? A TEAM THAT WOULD SLAVE FOR HIM 24/7, WOULD BE A VIABLE PLAYOFF TEAM WITHOUT HIM and MAKE HIM LOOK GOOD AT THE EXPENSE OF EVERYONE ELSE. Which brings me to my next point:
9) Cleveland makes me want to gouge my eyes out.
You'd expect a team with Shaq, LeBron, and a trillion other high level players to be a non-stop highlight reel. I mean, how hard can it be? There have to be at least two open guys once they start passing, right? Well, sure. They have 3-4 super-athletic guys that are awesome, unselfish players. They have 2-3 more high energy crazy people. And then they have "Coach" Brown. I put that in parentheses because this is what he draws on that board of his when looking at the game:
1) Start offense
2) pass to Lebron
3) ????
4) Profit!
You know why you didn't win a frickin' championship yet? BECAUSE YOU'RE A MORON. Last playoffs showed that the weakness of that strategy is that LeBron can't win a game by himself. Why is that? HE HAS FRICKIN' AWESOME STATS AND HE'S THE BEST PLAYER EVER BLA BLA *wipe jizz from mouth* BLA. Yeah, because his entire team is built to maximize his efficiency, and once a team that doesn't suck just puts one guy and helps out a bit on James, then the rest of the team needs to step up. You know, like they never did since James was drafted. Which leads up to this:
8) Team basketball is crappy again.
Yeah, I said it. This year, the entire playoff race is built around teams with one, two or if lucky, two players and a gorilla. The league is so lacking in creative teams that pick apart defenses that point guards that go home to the warm embrace of a dialysis machine are all of a sudden superheros. Billups, Nash and frickin' Jason Kidd. Three players that actually know how to pass and make decisions are so awe inspiring nowadays because this season has proven that team play is overrated when next season James and Wade will be free to help other teams get stronger by ignoring the need for team play. Out of all the younger point guards, all of them either suck at passing (Parker), are injured (Paul), have one play they do over and over (Williams) or just plain suck (rest of league). It makes rookies like Tyreke "a less talented Marbury" Evans look exciting. As much as it pains me, the Lakers are the closest thing to a team that actually has a chance of doing something in the playoffs. What a nice segway to:
7) Boston make baby Jesus cry.
Remember two years ago, when three disgruntled stars, after a careers drowned by the shit known as their teams, that wanted to win so bad that they were willing to pour their hearts and souls on the court each game took the league by storm and crushed the opposition by sheer determination? Did you find KG's championship hysteria more touching than anything on TV since the internet has made us all hardened cynics that watch 2girls1cup and go "meh"?
Well IT SUCKS TO BE YOU. They aged as well as Elvis, and unfortunately, aren't as dead as him. The team we have today is about as pathetic as the Rolling Stones on tour. Sure, they were a big hit, but now they're old and haven't managed to show any of that brilliance from when they started, yet people still want to see them succeed because of a masochistic need that is somewhat similar to a girl falling in love with a guy and then stays with him while he beats the crap out of her and crushes her dreams one by one. So, for all you beaten wives out there, I HOPE THESE FUCKERS DIE, so you can move on to enjoy a more beautiful world to live in. And BAM:
6) Why doesn't San Antonio die and burn in a special place in hell already?
This team represents everything that is bad about the NBA. A team that is boring, dirty, unathletic, and with as much character as a 14 year old pop star still exists and the world is worse for it. As opposed to the 14 year old pop star, there is no complex choreography, high class production, and semi-pedophilic sex appeal, there is only the mind-numbing effectiveness left here. And you know what? It's not even that good anymore, or else I could say they have SOMETHING going for them. They used to be the team everyone loved to hate, but now they're just a random collection of players that still somehow rank high enough to be occasionally noticed. But people just like to pretend they're not there. WELL THEY ARE AND THEY'RE HERE TO SUCK THE JOY OUT OF AT LEAST ONE PLAYOFF SERIES. Again. They are The Grinch Stole Christmas 5: he's still a jerk (Staring Tim Allen and Charlie Sheen, out this spring, rated G).
Tony Parker should be punched in the face and have his nose broken before every game and that way maybe I'll gain some sympathy (and character) for that annoying "point guard"-that-can't-pass-or-create-offense thing. Manu Ginobilli is a great player/actor, he tried being a model BUT HE'S AN UGLY BALDING BITCH. The only reason the Spurs still have something going for them is that they know how to abuse the refereeing. Tony Parker makes sure that every tiny foul on him will be called because he's so small and helpless next to the big bad bullies, yet has no qualms about using his elbows to try and cripple people, and Ginobilli flops so much that sometimes I think he's my last goldfish in his dying moments. The refs are the only these people to be considered "stars".This converges with:
  http://www.myspace.com/Hooloovoo222 |
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Kaz
IsraTrance Full Member
Started Topics :
90
Posts :
2268
Posted : Apr 9, 2010 20:50
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5) The referees belong in WWE.
They "try" to make the game "clean", but somehow both teams usually have a very similar amount of fouls and technicals. If a team does fifty fouls, it's called for forty. If a team does twenty five, it's called for thirty five. There's a special science to this, it's called "gee, it can't be that one team is dirty and the other isn't, now can it?" only with a retarded voice, while picking their nose with a screwdriver and sometimes shoving it into their brains for the exciting stimulation, only sometimes they hit that optic nerve and go temporarily blind. Now, for someone as mentally challenged as the referees in the NBA I could fully expect a successful occupation at WWE, where them missing someone hitting another with a chair would be a good thing, but INBRED REDNECKS AREN'T THE PEOPLE WATCHING THE NBA YOU ASSHOLES. Yeah, it adds to the drama, but the point about sport is that THE BEST TEAM IS SUPPOSED TO FUCKING WIN. I know what you're thinking: hey, that's a terrible thing of me to say, everyone knows that players like Ron Artest, Bruce Bowen, and Rasheed Wallace have been kept off the streets and haven't spent the last twenty years shooting people. Yeah well, a good basketball player can play basketball cleanly and be a trigger happy nutcase. Only in this mediocrity we call the current NBA season can this be considered rational that these players are on court and not beating some junky out there. Which makes this point:
4) Half the league sucks so hard David Stern's semen dribbles out it's ass.
Yeah I went there. There are at least 10 teams that shouldn't exist. The only reason they do exist is that they're filling market needs. The problem with this is that when watching a random game, chances are it'll be a crap team against a crap team, or a crap team playing against a good team for one half, and against their substitutes for the second in what is equivalent of a 100KG thug raping someone in prison, and when he's done, he allows his skinny friend to do the same for an equal amount of time, when the victim is so beaten up from the big guy's assault that there's no fight left in him when the skinny guy has his way. Sure, California has the a lot of people, so it has four teams (of which only one is good), New York has a load of people so it has two (of which if both teams would merge to become one with the best players of both teams, it would still not make the playoffs), hell, if you'd just take the ten worst teams' best players and put them in the other teams, the league would be AWESOME again, and in AWESOME I mean one that doesn't make you feel like you're watching Oz reruns. Speaking of reruns:
3) The East sucks. Again.
It's both sad and funny how terrible the east is this season. It has one good team (Cleveland), a few rather good ones (Atlanta, Orlando and Boston), and a steaming pile of shit on which those stand victorious. Would Boston have made the playoffs if they'd be in the West? Sadly, probably not, because their record is inflated because they play against teams like Chicago and Toronto all the time. Hell, excluding Cleveland, I don't think any team would have survived the season in the west. A successful but somewhat stupid guy goes to his wife and asks her "honey, could you tell me something both happy and sad at the same time?" So his wife thinks a bit and says "well, all your friends have smaller cocks than you do." Now replace the successful stupid guy with Cleveland (the brain being Mike "duuhhrr" Brown) and the wife with New Jersey (who has been fucked by every team in the league now), and you get the metaphor here. It's seriously fucked up how much the East has failed at every turn in the past year. There's no excuse for that type of terrible. It's one thing to be laughably bad but in an underdog type of way, but then there's Tomb Raider 17 "even huge bouncing tits and a nicely rendered 3D ass won't sell this game" type of failure. Now, this is an even better metaphor, because excluding 4 seasons in the PAST TWENTY YEARS, it has always looked like this. It just makes it so easy for the West to look good, right? WRONG:
2) The West is as sexy as an eighty year old hooker.
But the competition is so intense! All these teams fighting over places 2-8! All the hugely talented teams that will become monsters in the future! So many young up and coming players! WELL WHO GIVES A SHIT? Now, if all of those teams would be really frickin' awesome (like it was two years ago), then this wouldn't be the case. Sure, a lot of these teams seem tough, and can surprise any team at any given night, but let's be serious... Out of those, how many are championship material? Sure, they're better than that bunch of rotting corpses called the East, but if there are no clear top four teams, it means that there's just a few teams that are really good and the rest are just a bunch of scavengers eagerly pouncing on the leftovers. Teams like San Antonio, Utah and Portland are there by default, and no one gives them a serious chance at a championship run. Does that mean that the Lakers have it easy? Nah, as I said earlier, a lot of teams can win at any given night, because even the most mediocre teams have good days and even the best teams have bad ones... And there isn't a free first round victory like there is in the East. So in 3 rounds they have a chance to lose. Of course, teams like Portland and Oklahoma City have huge amounts of talent and might be serious, scary teams in the future. All they need is an extra piece or two to the puzzle and BAM, contender material. And just think what will happen if some of the big names come here next season? Surprise, that leads up to the last, and final point:
1) The future isn't now, and it never will be.
The reason the future is called the future is because it's NOT FRICKIN' NOW. The problem with young talent is that seasoned veterans just kick the crap out of them every time. A young championship team does NOT happen in this league. Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill, a famous proverb and the reason teams like San Antonio crush the dreams of exciting ones. A lot of teams threw away this season to clear space for signing a lot of big names that will become free agents this summer (aka The Summer of LeBron), but that just made it so a lot of teams have thrown away the season and made what would have been a somewhat below average season and turned it into the turdfest that this fiasco is now. And sure it makes sense, but it is MY RIGHT AS THE PERSON SPENDING TIME AND MONEY VIEWING THIS TO WANT GOOD STUFF NOW. After watching so much NBA this season and getting a 1 to 10 ratio of good games, and a 9 to ten ratio of "make it stop, LORD PLEASE MAKE IT STOP" moments, I will finally rest with much better games in the playoffs to get my NBA fix. I know that now that this season is nearly over, I can say "well, at least I was witness to one of the worst seasons ever and will be able to joke about New Jersey for the next year", but that's not now, that's the future.
tl;dr... right now, I want to scrub my brain with sandpaper until I forget this season ever happened. http://www.myspace.com/Hooloovoo222 |
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